Monday, March 11, 2013

The Bachelor: Season Finale

Sure, the season finale's here, but you know what?  So is Chris Harrison's new clothing line.  I know what I want for Christmas...

7:50: But seriously.  Catherine and Lindsay over Dez and Lesley?  Really?

8:01: Excuse me, but I have a tradition to uphold.

We know who you are, Chris Harrison.  You don't need to introduce yourself.

8:02: Oh, live show!  I like when they do the cutaway to the live show during the finale.

8:03: Wait, what's the late breaking news?  ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED ON AFTER THE FINAL ROSE?!  Because that would trump every season ever.

8:04: Oh yes.  Smith may be five years old, but he just went there.  Respect.

8:05: Just throwing this out there - Smith and Kensington are names given to kids by rich people.

8:07: Girl playing football.  Respect.

8:09: Is "reciprocate" the random word of the season?  First Dez's brother, now Catherine.

8:10: Sean's mom just called Catherine a "lady".  Only rich people do that.

8:12: Sean's dad just unintentionally brought up Catherine's daddy issues.  I'm not gonna lie, it got kinda dusty in the Chantastic living room during that scene.

8:14: Sean said that he could see him and Catherine on a Saturday afternoon having lunch with the rest of his family as a group of six.  Let's count the (potential) family members: Sean, Catherine, Sean's sister, Sean's brother-in-law, Sean's mom, and Sean's dad.  What about Kensington and Smith, Sean?  You do realize that children outgrow the kiddie table, right?

8:20: Tough questions from Sean's dad.

8:22: Jay is awesome.

8:25: Lindsay needs to play the "My dad is a 2 star general" card.  That's her edge over Catherine. She needs to play it.

8:34: Sean into protective mode as soon as his mom began tearing up.  Away from the cameras they go.

9:07: No comments for the two dates because there's really nothing to say when it's the final two.

9:12: When Catherine is serious, she looks away from Sean when she is talking because she's nervous.

9:16: Catherine is doing a lot of emoting.

9:23: I was wondering when Shirtless Sean was going to show up.

9:26: Sean tears!

9:33: Crowd sentiment has flipped from Lindsay to Catherine.

9:34: I could totally multiply with Lesley...

9:43: Uh-oh.

9:44: This is not going to go well.

9:46: This is going much better than I thought.  I thought there were going to be more tears.

9:47: Don't drop the L-bomb, Sean.  That's unnecessary.

9:48: Ah, there it is.

9:49: I like that Lindsay took off her heels.  No need to impress this dude any more, get me out of here in the most efficient way possible.

9:50: Tears in the limo?

9:51: Tears in the limo.

9:52: Wait, it's not even a limo.  Poor Lindsay.

9:53: Chris Harrison, mailman.

9:54: The crowd is with me on the heels!

9:55: They just asked for a round of applause for Lindsay.  Is she not going to be on After The Final Rose?  Does that mean they're going to spend an hour talking to Sean and Catherine?  No way they have enough material to talk through that, unless Catherine sent him a breakup letter that creates a ton of drama and they spend the first half hour of ATFR sorting through that.

10:02: I'm so about this moment right now.  I'm such a sap.

10:05: Someone in Seattle is very upset that she just lost her best friend.

10:08: Best Chris Harrison comment ever: "The best part of this is that I don't have to see you naked ever again."

10:09: Whoa, super hottie in the audience.

10:17: I don't think this Lindsay interview is going to be that bad.  She's too cheery for it to be AshLee levels of uncomfortable.

10:25: See?  Not that bad.

10:30: My guess on the big late breaking news about their relationship: she's moving to Dallas.

10:32: Do the picture-in-picture of them watching the proposal back already.

10:34: "I'm a woman, I want to hear the man say it first."  Is that an actual thing?

10:47: I'm all in for this wedding, especially if Chris Harrison is marrying them.

10:56: Dez has new hair.

11:00: I'm going to miss this show.

Monday, March 04, 2013

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All

An hour ago, I was still at work blasting out e-mails to various executives.  Half an hour ago, I was running to grab my pickup order.  But now, I'm here.  I have priorities.

Another sign I'm ready to be a professional reality TV blogger: the reality TV czar, Dave Jacoby, wrote a recap of the last epsiode where he made the same points I made last week - AshLee's love of turning everything she does with Sean into a metaphor about her life, Sean's questionable kissing technique, and literally using the "serial killer" phrase like I did to describe AshLee's face after Sean sent her home.

8:01: So excited for this episode.

8:02: If you'll excuse me, I have a tradition to uphold:
We know who you are, Chris Harrison.  There's no need to introduce yourself.

8:03: Love the shout-out to Shirtless Sean.

8:04: The average age of those three girls who first met Sean was...not even close to legal.

8:07: UCLA sorority house calling for Sean to turn into Shirtless Sean was pretty awesome.

8:12: FMC Lesley looks amazing tonight.

8:20: Tierra-ist coming up!

8:25: What the hell was with the 3 seconds of behind-the-scenes action before Tierra came out?

8:26: You're never going to believe this, but the women are not a fan of Tierra.

8:27: Tierra's eyebrow just started twitching!  Is it her tell when she lies?

8:31: Um, Tierra, how about commenting on AshLee being 32 years old and single and that whole spiel?!?!?!  Did you mean that as a compliment?

8:40: "Do you want to get going?  Cuz we get going?"  Has Tierra forgotten that you do not want to unleash the fury of AshLee upon the world?  Do you not remember her Serial Killer face after Sean sent her home?

8:44: St. Croix is getting a ton of free publicity.

8:46: Tierra is not a good human being.  Straight up.

8:56: The best part of The Women Tell All is when they do the picture-in-picture when running the video montage to get the person's reaction.

9:08: Dez's brother.  Oh boy.  This should be interesting.

9:18: At least Chris Harrison has enough of a sense of humour to poke fun at how he always says the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

9:21: "Sean has healed my broken heart."  But did Sean also break AshLee's healed heart?

9:23: "Where you pissed?"
"No."
"You looked pissed."
Chris Harrison is the best.

9:29: Chris Harrison takes control of the situation and fixes the AshLee/Sean seating arrangement.  That's why he's the best.  How does he not have an Emmy?

9:35: Can we call this the most fascinating The Women Tell All in Bachelor franchise history?  That AshLee/Sean conversation was mesmerizing.

9:40: Lovin' the behind the scenes shot.  I knew there was a reason they started doing that.

9:45: When Chris Harrison wrapped up the segment and wished Sean the best, did anyone else feel like clapping along with the audience?  No?  Um, me neither.

9:52: OK, but seriously, how are Catherine and the wedding dress girl the final two?

10:00: My finally take on the AshLee situation - Sean did not say that and AshLee misinterpreted what she said.  Let's face it - AshLee isn't all there.  She likely "chose to hear what she wanted to hear" and twisted a few of Sean's words.  Don't forget - in every interview since about the fourth episode, Sean has been saying that he has strong feelings for numerous women.  Why would he suddenly say anything else?  Unless it was to get some crazy AshLee action.  Hmmm...

10:37: Actual messages I'm getting from someone, who will remain anonymous because of how horrendous the following statements are: "Wouldn't mind seeing Tierra's boobs.  The crazier she got, the more I wanted her to bust them out."  This person should be ashamed.  Tierra is completely unattractive solely because of her personality/character.  She's like an androgynous, horrible person to me.  In the infamous words of Selma, "You're going to wife that?"