Monday, August 27, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Episode #6

Just because Michael Stagliano was sent home last week, that doesn't mean I'm done with him yet - shout out to G-Unit for informing me of his upcoming concert in Toronto.  Can you think of a better place to meet single ladies than at the concert of a Bachelorette castoff?  I sure can't.  Anyone want to be my wing-woman?  Stags is also promising hugs and pictures at every show, so I don't know how you could say no.

6:40: I was involved in a Bachelor Pad e-mail discussion today (of course) when I was asked who I thought would win this season.  Kalon is who I think will win.  But there's one person who would be a hilarious winner: Nick, whose speaking moments on camera you could possibly count using your hands.  How awesome would it be if the winner of Bachelor Pad was the guy who never said anything?

8:01: The thought of Blakely trying to spell has me giddy.

8:04: "Nick hasn't spoken this entire time."  So it's not because he just gives boring interviews.  Is he a mute?  Does he have a social anxiety disorder?  Why doesn't he speak?

8:10: This is going to be great.

8:11: There's no need to high five after correctly spelling a 4 letter word, Jaclyn.

8:12: Kalon just Clark Kent-ed us.

8:13: The three kid judges are learning that spelling is not necessary to being famous.

8:15: I love that Chris was made to spell "philanderer".

8:17: I'm flabberghasted.

8:21: Nick speaks!

8:23: Spell-off!

8:24: I love Chris Harrison and all, but he mispronounced "soiree".

8:25: Oh Kalon, why are you so awesome?

8:26: It's not serendipity that Chris spelled serendipity correctly.

8:27: Why didn't Chris get a man-rose?  Why did he get one with a stem?  That's poor foresight and preparation.  You don't say that very often about the production crew.

8:28: Tony is a good listener.  Which is important when your partner is Blakely.

8:29: Love the yellow bus to private plane cutaway contrast.  The editors on this show are the best.

8:33: I wouldn't exactly use the words "kick ass" to describe your performance in the spelling bee, Chris.

8:34: If they're in wine country, why don't they stop by Ben Flajnik's vineyard in Sonoma?

8:34: Wine country is not fit for Sarah's high heels.

8:36: Gotta give it up to Chris and Sarah for yelling "Serendipity" as they jump into the lake.

8:38: Nick speaks!

8:46: I'm surprised that Rachel doesn't have a tub of ice cream in front of her right now.

8:51: "It's going to be fun spending the night with Chris in this romantic barn."  Phrases that have never been uttered in the history of the English language.

8:58: That's pretty scenic.

8:59: Look at Jaclyn trying to rationalize Ed's behaviour.  It's Jamie-esque.

9:02: "I've done everything so normally."  Jaclyn, you slept with the guy who is infamous for drunkenly passing out in the hot tub.  There's nothing normal about that.

9:09: Tony and Blakely make sense to me.  Tokely?  Takely?  Blanely?  Blony?  Bony?  Bony.  Definitely Bony.

9:13: "I don't want to look like a whore." "I don't want to look like an asshole."  Nobody likes a one-upper, Ed.

9:15: Well, this is going to end badly, Jaclyn.

9:22: This Italian mafia music montage is pretty awesome.

9:23: "Emotional alcoholics" is a fantastic phrase, and I commend you, Kalon, for coining it.

9:28: Underrated storyline the past couple of episodes that nobody is talking about: Jaclyn overtaking Lindzi as the biggest makeup abuser in the house.

9:34: Ah, so this is why Nick never speaks.

9:49: Lindzi just did Kalon's lip pout thing.

9:52: Why are they not leaving in the same limo?

9:53: YES!

9:54: That made me happy.

9:56: The trailer for next week look amazing.  This show is the best.

10:00: "I need to page my son."  Classic.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Episode #5

Chris Harrison is Tweeting ominous things about tonight's episode, which is always a good sign.  Former FMC and Bachelor cast-off Ashley Spivey is also Tweeting about tonight being crazy.  Since it's theoretically impossible for both Chris Harrison and an FMC to lie about the same thing, I have no choice but to assume that the following two hours of television will be epic.  And just in case there's any doubt, former Bachelor Pad winner Natalie Getz is also saying the same things about what happens tonight.  And yes, I know that's a disturbing amount of research to do for a reality show.  Regardless, I expect nothing short of three fights, people coming close to blows, personal insults, and bucket loads of tears, and perhaps even some man-tears.

7:45: The next 15 minutes are going to feel like they're taking forever to get by.

8:00: Yes!

8:02: What?  A VIP cocktail waitress turned bikini waxer could use the prize money?  No way!

8:03: I kinda like Cranky Chris.

8:05: Kalon's smarmy attitude is pretty entertaining, you have to admit.

8:06: Kalon to Chris: "That's how he got Emily."  Shots fired!

8:10: If you recall from this past season of The Bachlorette, Chris also called out Doug for, essentially, disrespecting him because he thought he was talking down to him.  Now he wants Ed to talk to him "like a grown ass man".  How come Chris has been on two different reality shows, and has somehow argued with the two nicest guys on both shows about how he is talked to?  It's interesting to note that it's always the other guy's fault.

8:13: Cranky Chris has turned into Mopey Chris.

8:14: Any challenge where being a Hooters waitress gives you an advantage is probably a bad idea.  Just sayin'.

8:16: Wait a second - Hooters has a VIP area?

8:17: Erica.  So awesome.

8:18: I'd like to see the list of challenges where Erica would have an advantage.

8:19: I'm upset that they're not cutting to Chris doing fist pumps every time Blakely drops the cups.

8:21: A woman's history working as a Hooters waitress is becoming a point of contention on this show.  Name me another show on television where this is even remotely possible.

8:26: 26 minutes into tonight's episode is the first time I've seen Nick on screen.

8:35: I enjoy Happy Lindzi.

8:36: Promotional consideration provided by Neil Lane.

8:37: Anyone want to bet me that Tony won't pull out the stop sign on his overnight date with Blakely?  I'll even give you 2-1 odds on a Blakely sex denial.

8:40: I wonder if I'm going to know someone who knows someone who knows someone who will be on The Bachelor Canada.

8:43: Let's be quite honest.  They were driving through the ghetto.

8:44: Zombie talk on a romantic date.  Um...OK.

8:45: The softer side of Kalon.

8:46: 3 words: Legs wrapped around.

8:48: Somehow Kalon has become the hero and Chris the villain.  This show is awesome.

8:51: Tony has drank some Blakely Kool-Aid.

8:52: "Kalon, are these helicopter keys?"

8:54: But what about your kid, Tony?  WHAT ABOUT YOUR KID???

8:58: Lindzi legs wrapped around count: 2.

9:03: Blakely's definition of "reserved" includes her talking for a full minute, uninterrupted.

9:04: Stags For The Win.

9:05: Holly name drop.

9:06: Quotes from Rachel's interview: "spend the night", "take the next step", and "having those feelings".  Someone wants to make some babies tonight.

9:08: Tony tongue sighting.

9:09: Fantastic editing by the production staff as always.  Especially the cutaway from all the couples to passed out Ed.

9:10: Looks like Rachel got to make some babies after all.

9:12: Nick speaks!

9:17: Looks like it's about to get gooooooood.

9:21: Chris Harrison got a haircut.

9:22: Ed.  Wow.

9:27: "We need to have that conversation, I guess."  Ya think, Ed?!

9:28: Tears.  Oh, the tears.

9:29: Great background music choice for the Ed/Jaclyn exchange.  The production staff on this show is second to none.

9:39: I was just thinking that Chris should bring Erica into the deliberation room with her.  This is effing genius.

9:43: I just realized that I called something that I would have done a genius move.

9:44: It's about to get really good.

9:46: And do you know why Erica will have justice?  Because she has a gavel.  Obviously.

9:49: Bombshell dropped.  Do not mess with Erica Rose.

9:50: Holly reference.  Shots fired.  Oh my.  Oh my.  Oh my.  Oh my.

9:53: This show is the best.

9:55: That Erica Rose diatribe was one for the ages.  Wow.  Still can't believe that actually happened.

9:58: Tonight might have been the greatest episode in the history of Bachelor Pad.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Episode #4

Courtesy of Grantland Reality TV Czar Dave Jacoby, I pass along the great gift that is the Michael Stagliano power ballad music video.  Yes, this absolutely happened.  Shockingly, it's pretty good, given the low expectations that have been set by previous reality TV stars who tried to start a music career, with undeniably disastrous results.

7:59: I'm very excited for tonight.

8:07: FMC Jamie says she feels like she can't turn to anyone in the house.  As far as I'm concerned, that's her way of saying she wishes I was on the show with her.  Clearly.

8:10: These "truth" challenges are always brutal.  Sh!t gets real.

8:12: It's not Kalon?!

8:13: "I'm so misunderstood."  Kalon is slowly winning me over.

8:15: "Sexy thoughts" for the win.

8:24: Oh Jamie.

8:27: Maybe I'm blinded by her FMC-ness, but I feel bad for Jamie and don't think she's done anything wrong besides being a bit naive.

8:32: I love that there's a fight over Ed, the naked drunk guy.

8:34: Chavez Ravine!  Best date ever.

8:35: "Who doesn't have a crush on Ed?"  Does this include man-crushes, because I'm guilty if that's true.

8:36: Only on this show could a guy who gets drunk, ends up naked in the hot tub, and sleeps with different women on consecutive nights, be the basis of a "Who doesn't have a crush on Ed?" rhetorical question.

8:42: How many times do people in the confessional use the word "everyone" to project their feelings on one person?  "Everyone is annoyed with Blakely."  "Jamie has hit on every guy."

8:45: Oh Jamie.  My god.

8:46: Ed has the same reaction to fireworks at Dodger Stadium as drunken sex.

8:48: Jamie likes to talk.  I would listen.

8:49: I wonder if Jamie would think I'm "surprisingly wonderful"...

8:53: Well done, Chris.  Well done.

8:55: I still can't believe he did that.  Chris is like a superhero villain.

8:56: Oh Jamie.  Ooooh Jamie.  This is what we call "rationalizing".

8:57: By the way, Jamie's going home tonight.  I'm calling it right now.

9:13: Love the porn music starting up when Sarah jumped on Chris' lap in the pool.

9:15: Let's make one thing clear.  Blakely didn't "get over" Chris.  Blakely got rejected, and had no other choice but to move on.

9:17: Oh no, Jamie.  Oh no.

9:19: Jamie is like the car wreck that you can't help but stare at as you drive by.

9:23: Is there any way that David and Jamie aren't going home tonight?

9:26: Gotta give Dave credit for finding the Nick soft spot.  He's learned a lot from the first day.  Mad respect.

9:27: Nick speaks!

9:31: Why didn't Jamie hook up with Nick instead?  He seems like a nice guy and he's pretty good looking.  Actually, why hasn't any of the girls hooked up with him?  Is it because he also never speaks in the house just like on the show?

9:41: Kalon is absolutely killing it on this show.  He's effing brilliant.

9:47: As I said, is there any way that David and Jamie aren't going home tonight?

9:49: The Jamie goodbyes will be interesting.

9:50: Hell hath no fury like a Blakely scorned.

9:51: Jamie tears time.  I'm calling it.  Once more, for old time's sake.

9:52: David tears instead!  Swerve!

9:53: You can trust 'ol Channy, Jamie.

9:54: I love that Blakely is leading the toast.

9:55: Next week looks epic.

9:56: I think it's safe to say that I'm a huge fan of this show, but even I would never say that being on the show was the greatest four weeks of my life like Dave did in the limo.  Like, c'mon dude.  That's just a  silly statement.

9:59: Are people going to watch Bachelor Canada?  Or is that going to be a poor man's version of the American version that nobody watches, like Canadian Idol?

10:00: Stags is a breakout musical star!

Monday, August 06, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Episode #3

I just watched the magnificent yet controversial Canada-USA Olympic women's semifinal soccer game, and three thoughts lingered with me:

1) What an amazing game.
2) The ref was absolutely horrific.
3) There is an FMC on the Canadian women's soccer team.  My goodness, is there ever an FMC on the team.

Every time #10 entered my television screen, I swooned.  This was one of the rare times that I regretted not having HD channels.  But you know what would be crystal clear?  A Google search, which led me to officially nominate Lauren Sesselmann as an FMC.  Oh, I'm sorry, that's just her Canadian Soccer Association bio.  I wonder what her Twitter picture looks like.  Double swoon.  And let's not pretend like I didn't do a Google image search for her...

On that note, I'm revved up for tonight's Bachelor Pad.  And Lauren Sesselmann has set the tone for what an FMC should be.  Jamie, it's time for you to step up your game.  No more pining for Chris.  You're so much better than that.

7:12: Triple swoon.  OK, I swear.  That's it.  No more Lauren Chan Sesselmann talk for the rest of the night.  Let's focus on what's important - watching the glorious television that is Bachelor Pad.

8:00: Obstacle course!

8:04: Ed just wants to party.

8:06: Jamie!  I'd be lying if I said I didn't still swoon for her.

8:10: This challenge makes me hungry.

8:11: Tremendous use of the word "nutsack".

8:12: Jamie, you are not "stuck" with Ed.  You get the privilege of being on Ed's team.

8:13: Oh Kalon.

8:14: Is anyone else giggling every time they say "nutsack"?

8:15: OK, Jamie.  Maybe you had a point.

8:25: Blakely and Jamie on the same date?  Yes, please.

8:30: I want to know why Jamie didn't go to prom.

8:31: Did Blakely really just call Jamie stupid?  So just to be clear, the former VIP cocktail waitress questioned someone else's intelligence.  OK then.

8:39: Jamie, I could learn to love country music.

8:42: Ed having sex is way more entertaining than it should be.

8:45: JAMIE!!!

8:46: It's nice that Jamie is the prom queen.

8:47: Great job as always by the editing staff, this time with the cutaways between the music, Jamie and David dancing, and the Blakely/Erica conversation in the car.  It's the little things that make this show fantastic.

8:52: Totally forgot that Nick was still on this show.

8:53: Tony - "I think I deserve this rose because I'm playing for my son."  This makes no sense.  Is your son also Rachel's son?  No.

8:55: Chris Harrison deserves an Emmy.

8:57: Jamie is a tragic figure.

8:58: Jamie makes my heart hurt.

9:06: I enjoyed the completely unnecessary pause and music buildup to Stags getting the rose, like there was actual drama.

9:07: I'm still confused as to why Tony thinks he deserved the rose tonight.

9:17: Reid is not a very good liar.

9:26: If Blakely isn't going home tonight, then who is?

9:29: I dub thee Nick and Donna, Nonna.  Better than the alternative, right?

9:31: It does not surprise me that Kalon enjoys being the puppet master.

9:35: I love that Reid says that "they" have hard feelings over Jillian.  By "they", I'm pretty sure he means him.  I don't think Ed holds any hard feelings over Jillian since, ya know, Jillian chose him over Reid.

9:37: Why does Reid always have that smirk on his face?

9:43: If Sarah sends Ed home, it'll be because she's upset that Ed hooked up with Jaclyn after hooking up with her, not because "Reid is a strong leader".  Like, c'mon.  What kind of ridiculous rationale is that?  "I came on Bachelor Pad so I could follow a strong leader."  Please.

9:47: Blakely, that implies you're not already a trainwreck.

9:49: Tony deserved that rose because he has a son.

9:50: I like that David is congratulating each of the women when giving out the rose.  You can tell he's enjoying just being on the show.

9:51: I look forward to the Ed/Reid farewell exchange.

9:53: Nonna was so short-lived.

9:55: From next week's preview, I'm liking this Axis of Evil between Kalon and Chris.

9:57: Not only did I watch and live blog Bachelor Pad over the last two hours, I also successfully executed a trade in one of my fantasy baseball leagues during the commercial breaks.  Multi-tasking at its finest.

10:00: Wasn't there a rat issue last season as well?