Monday, July 30, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Episode #2

I'm starting to incorporate sayings from The Bachelor franchise into my everyday use.  For example, I channelled my inner Chris today at work by sending out an e-mail that simply said, "On a scale of 1 to Compelling, where would this be?"  I'm not even joking.

Speaking of Chris, I look forward to Quietly Full Of Rage Chris unleashing Getting My Mack On Chris upon the Bachelor Pad house.  And if that leaves FMC Jamie upset and ready to run into my waiting arms, so be it.

8:01: Did I see girls making out?  Yes, yes I did.

8:02: Twins.  Annoying.

8:03: This is the first time that I've been upset with the Bachelor/ette/Pad producers.  Whoever was involved with the decision to cast the twins really needs to get a stern talking to.

8:06: Erica Rose doing gymnastics?  Yes, I would like some of that, please.

8:16: Leotards for men = Mantards?

8:20: Did the producers choose JP and Ashley because there were no girls on Bachelor Pad from Brad's season of The Bachelor with Ashley and they didn't want biased judges?  Because that would be kind of amazing.

8:24: Respect The Worm.

8:27: Michael is pretty awesome.

8:32: Why is Jamie still in her leotard while talking to Donna?

8:34: Does Erica Rose really think that the twins aren't going home tonight?

8:35: Jamie in a bikini.  Swoon.

8:44: Jamie, not a drinker.

8:45: Oh no, Ryan.  Oh no.

8:46: Bring home to the family?  Have kids?  You made out with Chris once, Jamie.  Let's slow it down just a bit.

8:47: Yes, Michael.  You're doing something for Donna.  You're making out with a hot chick for her sake.  You do not get any benefit at all from this.  Not at all.

8:49: Oh Jamie.  So naive.

8:50: Donna has what the Macho Man calls "jealous eyes".

8:51: "I have to solidify the alliance."  If that's what you want to call it...

8:52: Seeing someone you have feelings for hookup with someone else in front of you would kinda suck.  But to do it on your birthday brings it to a whole new level of suckiness.

8:54: It's tough to see the FMC so upset.

8:56: Chris, Manwhore.

8:59: Why isn't Chris Harrison hosting the soapbox derby?  Why is it this old dude?  This is upsetting.

9:00: David say, "I think my plan is working."  Was your plan to completely botch the vote last week, followed by being invited on a group date out of pity?  Because if that's the case, then yes, your plan is working.

9:02: Really?  Chris Harrison couldn't have done the 20 seconds of play-by-play announcing?  They had to bring in someone else to do it?

9:03: That's an impressive trophy.  And he pulls a Stanley Cup by drinking out of it?  Ed is all kinds of awesome.

9:11: Oh Blakely, I see what you did there.

9:16: Ed and the trophy is awesome.

9:17: Pickle!  Yeah buddy!

9:18: God bless America indeed.

9:19: Calling the twins a train wreck is unfair to train wrecks.

9:21: You know it's bad when Erica Rose is rightfully saying that you're being overly dramatic.

9:26: The twins actually remind me of someone I know.  It is not at all enjoyable to be in her presence.  I can't imagine what it's like to be around two of them.

9:30: The twins are the worst casting decision in the history of the Bachelor franchise.

9:36: I'm digging Jamie's black gloves.

9:39: Reid, still bitter about Jillian.

9:40: Erica used the gavel.  Amazing.

9:42: Sarah has baggage.  There's no other reason to explain how a girl could hook up with a guy, vote for him to leave the next day, then be upset once she realized that she voted for the guy she enjoyed spending time with.  Baggage.  There's no other explanation.  Probably something about how she pushes away people she cares for so she doesn't have a chance to be hurt by them because she's been hurt in the past.  By the way, my shrink sessions come free of charge.

9:43: Ed cannot believe that his future will be dictated by Jamie.  For the record, I would like Jamie to dictate my future.

9:50: I'm still confused by this whole Kalzi situation.

9:51: If we're robbed of more Ed this season because of Sarah being an emotional baggage-carrying mess, I'm going to be upset.

9:52: More proof that Jamie is awesome.

9:53: Why is Reid leading the toast?

10:00: I can't tell if the girls teaching gymnastics are 12, 18, or 24 years old.  All are equally plausible.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Bachelor Pad: Season Premiere


True story: I was staying late at work today, and was thinking of staying right until 7:45 because of the amount of work I had to do.  At precisely 7:05, my computer initiated a software update.  There was no "Cancel" button.  I had no choice but to go home.  It was like my computer was telling me that I couldn't risk missing even a minute of the Bachelor Pad premiere.

7:54: I'm really excited for Bachelor Pad tonight.  You know what else I'm excited for?  Mariah Carey hosting American Idol, that's what.  I have no choice but to make a triumphant return to watching that show after a five year hiatus in 2013.  The only question is who will gain the next coveted title of American Idol FMC, following in the glorious footsteps of Kristy Lee Cook and the immortal Kellie Pickler.  And no, I don't have a type, I don't know what you're talking about.

7:56: Speaking of Idol, would it shock you that I'm going to the Kelly Clarkson The Fray concert this summer?  And what's the right way to phrase that?  If the proper English grammar is "the Mariah Carey concert", would I have to call this "the The Fray concert"?

7:58: Crap, I haven't finished eating dinner yet.  This is going to be multi-tasking at its finest.

8:00: Yes!  So excited!  They just jump right into it - I love it.

8:02: Chris Harrison, you don't need to introduce yourself.  We know who you are.  Sorry, but that's tradition.

8:04: How is Lindzi wearing EVEN MORE makeup this season?!

8:06: I love that Reid and Ed are rivals and are on the show.  Nice job by casting.

8:07: Yes!  "Frienemies"!

8:09: "Helicopter fuel is expensive." Classic.

8:12: I love that Chris Harrison just referred to the cast members as "stars".  That's just a wee bit of exaggeration, and I'm someone who loves this show.

8:13: "I have a secret.  I love to watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette."  Well, it's only a secret if you make it a secret, dude.  I watch those shows, yet it's somehow not a secret for me.  Are you a little ashamed there, SWAT boy?  If you watch these shows, you gotta just own it.

8:14: Well, hello there, Donna.  I love that they went slo-mo for his montage.

8:15: "I like Blakely, of course."  Yes, of course...

8:16: Twinning!

8:23: I just want to point out that everybody greets Chris Harrison like he's their best friend.  Again, best host ever.  He can do no wrong.

8:26: Ed is a bit of a jackass.

8:28: Blakely's ABC bio says she's 28.  I wasn't aware that the website was set up 6 years ago.

8:32: Jamie.  Swoon.

8:34: I love that Kalon and Erica Rose are in the same social circle.  Is anyone shocked by this?

8:35: Kalon, you do not treat Chris Harrison as the valet.  How dare you.

8:38: There's a 50/50 chance that Donna has butt implants.

8:41: I'm calling them the squinting twins.

8:48: Even Chris Harrison doesn't know how to react to naked Ed.

8:49: What the hell is Ed doing?

8:52: Ed is amazing.

8:53: Where's the heeeeat?

8:57: I enjoy casual plaid Chris Harrison.

9:00: Yes, Lindzi, we remember from Ben's season that you're afraid of heights.

9:04: Man, those twins are annoying.

9:09: An hour and ten minutes into the premiere, and we've already seen four people blurcled.

9:12: Can I also "talk" to Jamie?

9:13: The first tears of the season, an hour and 13 minutes into the premiere.  This show is the best.

9:19: Dave forgot to pack sunscreen.

9:21: Dave is not exactly a master strategist.

9:38: I'm a fan of Reid and Paige, or as I like to call them, Rage.  Too bad Paige is going home.

9:42: Kalon the villian!

9:48: I'm not accustomed to seeing sober Ed.

9:49: Jamie!

9:50: I like that the guys kept Donna around just because she's hot.

9:52: Dave is a total idiot.

9:53: You're right, SWAT.  It was very cool that you got a picture with Chris Harrison.

9:55: Bachelor Pad, how did I go a whole year without you?

10:00: Chris Harrison taking Kalon's car for a spin was unbelievably awesome.

10:01: This season looks epic.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Bachelorette: Season Finale & After The Final Rose

I logged into Facebook and found this.

This is clearly what the people want, and this is what they'll get.  Hopefully it won't be too boring as we go through a two hour charade of pretending that Emily isn't going to choose Arie at the end of the finale.  The only issue to be resolved is how tall Jef With One F's hair will be during the finale.  If you haven't been paying attention, it seems to have slowly grown every episode, culminating in his Utah date where his hair might have been legitimately 5 inches high.  I wonder if it'll grow to 6 inches tonight. (That's what she said.)

7:05: In case you were wondering, I'll be blogging during the two hour finale as well as After The Final Rose tonight.  That's right - three hours of Chan tonight.  As if there was any doubt.  It'll be interesting to see if my new laptop can go three hours unplugged.  Just because I was told it can by the salesperson when I bought it doesn't necessarily mean it actually will.  And no, I did not ask the salesperson, "So will the battery be able to last for three hours so that I can watch the season finale of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette with it by my side?"  But I was definitely thinking it.

7:16: And just a reminder, Bachelor Pad is starting tomorrow night.  No need to re-hash my Bachelor Pad cast preview from a few weeks ago, but I'm excited about officially anointing Jamie as an FMC within five minutes of her emerging from the limo, along with wondering how much of d-bag Kalon can be.  As a result, I'll be live-blogging Bachelor Pad every week, so feel free to join me tomorrow night as well.  Yes, that's right - five hours and two nights of live blogging.  Even I'll be sick of me by tomorrow night.

7:25: Chris Harrison is setting high expectations for tonight.

7:31: In related news, it's a toss up between Chris Harrison head nods and any mention of Ricki as the drinking game tonight.  The mentions of Ricki will be dispersed throughout the show, so you'll have a good buzz going throughout the whole night.  However, if you go with Chris Harrison head nods, you won't be drinking at all for long stretches, and then all of a sudden, you'll have to take ten drinks within a two minute span.  Both will be equally good drinking games in its own way, so feel free to either one.  Choose both, however, and you run the risk of ending up at the hospital with alcohol poisoning.  Don't say I didn't warn you.


8:00: Here we go!


8:02: Is something up?  Why are they starting in the studio live instead of doing the two hours finale first?


8:03: Chris Harrison, this isn't the most anticipated television event of the summer.  Bachelor Pad is.


8:04: First Ricki mention.


8:05: I'm fascinated to hear from Emily's parents.  I don't remember them at all from Brad's season.


8:07: Second Ricki mention, this time by Suzy.  If this was your drinking game tonight, I think you'll be buzzed in about half an hour.


8:10: Jef With One F, Gentle Soul.

8:12: Jef With One F is running through the Maynard family gauntlet tonight.

8:13: Ricki mention by Jef With One F.  Everybody on the show wants you to get drunk tonight!

8:14: Why is Emily surprised that her family is a big fan of Jef With One F?  Isn't it pretty obvious that this guy is for realz and exactly the type of guy parents love?

8:17: Not just across America, Chris Harrison.  North America.

8:20: Ricki mention by Arie.  Everybody on the show is chipping in with the drinking game.

8:21: I like that Emily's brother called Arie out on him being a smooth talker.  He seems like a no BS kinda guy.

8:22: Now her dad is chipping in with the drinking game.  Are you drunk yet?

8:26: Did you notice that both of the guys walked away from where Emily and her family were staying?  How come a car wasn't there to pick them up?  How far did the guys have to walk?  Were the guys just staying around the corner?  Or were they going to be picked up by a driver?  But if they were going to be picked up by a driver, why couldn't the driver just pick them up in front of Emily's place?  These are the things I think about.

8:27: I'm not sure if you've heard, but they have the sound from the live studio audience very faintly in the background, so you can hear them laughing during funny moments.  This isn't a freakin' sitcom.  This is serious business.  This is The Bachelorette.  Turn that crap off.

8:31: Is Emily's brother's future wife better looking than Emily?  Discuss.

8:35: Interesting - Emily was driven away after meeting with her family.  How come Arie or Jef With One F weren't driven away?  How come the guys had to walk?  It's not like Emily's vehicle or driver would have been busy, so how come the guys couldn't be driven away by the same driver?  These are the things I think about.

8:36: Half an hour in, and my laptop battery tells me that I still have 90% strength left, equivalent to 5 hours and 17 minutes.  Crisis averted.

8:37: C'mon, Chris Harrison.  There was no way that the crowd was "kinda split" between Arie and Jef With One F.  They were clearly on Team Misspelled Names.

8:39: I've figured out the difference between Emily's relationship with Jef With One F and Arie.  Her relationship with Jef With One F is more of an innocent love, while her relationship with Arie is more "lust-y", if that makes any sense.

8:41: A single strand of Jef's hair is being extremely rebellious on the beach, and it's the only thing I can focus on.

8:43: GAME CHANGER!  Jef With One F is meeting Ricki.  Was it just me, or did it seem like Emily wouldn't have agreed to let him meet her if he hadn't wanted to meet her so badly?  And if that's the case, will Arie will have the same opportunity?  I get the feeling that Arie won't be as insistent as Jef With One F was, but will Emily feel an obligation to afford the same chance to Arie just because she did so with Jef With One F?  Because I highly doubt that she wouldn't have Arie meet with Ricki, yet have Jef With One F meet her, and then choose Arie in the end.  Which is why...GAME CHANGER!

8:46: By the way, anyone who was playing the Ricki drinking game is going to be passed out before the end of the show.

8:50: I'm way too excited for this meeting with Ricki.

8:52: Forget Emily, I think I just swooned for Jef With One F.

8:57: I was 100% positive that Emily was going to choose Arie tonight.  I now have no idea what's going to happen.

9:02: Jef With One F needs to improve his eye contact when he says something substantial.  He said, "I can tell you're a good mom"...but with his eyes looking down the entire time, before looking up after he said it.  He has to let go, look her in the eye, and just go for it.

9:05: Jef With One F is definitely not as liberal as Arie with his tongue.

9:11: Chris Harrison mentioning the one F was fantastic.  That's why he's the best.

9:12: Chris Harrison head nod drinking game people, you're on notice.

9:16: JEF!  JEF!  JEF!  JEF!  The one F wins!  I want to change my name to "Symon" in his honor.

9:17: I can't believe Emily is choosing Jef With One F, even though he's definitely the best choice for her.  I just assumed that she would pull a Jake/Ben and make the wrong choice.

9:21: I still can't believe she chose him.  Holy crap.

9:23: The editors are doing an unbelievably fantastic job of showing how Arie is doomed and how he doesn't see it coming with these first couple of minutes with his interviews.

9:25: I've lost count of how many "How are you?"s they've exchanged in the first two minutes.

9:26: "Jef" is trending on Twitter right now.

9:31: I look forward to Sean's season of The Bachelor.

9:34: This finale is living up to everything I could possibly have hoped for.

9:36: "Poor Arie" is trending on Twitter right now.

9:42: Ashley S!  Ashley S!  An FMC blast from the past!  This is the greatest finale ever.

9:47: I'm excited for the proposal.

9:48: I love that Emily considers Jef With One F as someone "with an edge".

9:50: Ah, Neil Lane.  A Bachelor/ette tradition and rite of passage.

9:55: What?  No helicopter entrance for the last rose ceremony?  This is an outrage!

9:58: Really?  They couldn't drive Jef With One F up instead of having him walk?

10:00: I enjoyed Jef's little pause after he entered before walking to Emily.

10:03: Promotional consideration paid for by Neil Lane.

10:05: The editing staff always does a great job.  A fantastic video montage.

10:11: Are we allowed to discuss Emily's blemish, or is that in poor taste?

10:22: It's journal readin' time!

10:31: To spare myself a huge rant, I'm just going to assume that Arie's journal was something he typed into a laptop, and the printed pages of his journal are what's in that envelope, and not an actual written journal.

10:37: Jef With One F called Arie?  That's pretty impressive.

10:41: It's really hard to come up with something interesting to say when Jef With One F speaks since he's such a ridiculously good person.

10:44: I just realized that I chose The Bachelorette over Breaking Bad tonight.  I say I just realized it because I never even thought of watching anything other than this tonight.

10:46: The picture-in-picture watching of the proposal is always a touching moment.

10:47: Jef With One F totally tearing up in the picture-in-picture.

10:48: Crap, I think I'm tearing up it's getting dusty in my condo.

10:51: So...Jemily? Ef? Jefily?  What are going we going with here?

10:53: I've decided on Jemifly.

10:59: I must say, that was a pretty epic finale to a solid season.  I'm still shocked that Emily didn't choose Arie, though it was much less surprising after Ricki entered the picture.

11:04: Looking forward to Bachelor Pad tomorrow night!

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Tonight should be interesting, as there were a lot of personalities this season that could be entertaining: absurdly nice but awkward Doug, insane Chris, I-Am-The-Man-And-You-Are-The-Woman Ryan, flaunting Kalon, and of course Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette.  Hopefully tonight doesn't turn into a two hour bromance among the guys...actually, I take that back since that would be kind of awesome to watch too.
Here's a quick theory about what happened last week, and what will happen in the season finale on Sunday. If you recall, Emily was very emotional when watching the videos that the three remaining guys made for her. However, the only video she actually shed a tear for was Jef With One F's.  Why did she only cry for Jef With One F's video?  While she knew she was sending Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette home, she didn't have a strong enough connection with him to feel truly upset while watching his video to cry.  She didn't cry for Arie because she already knew she was going to choose him in the finale.  But she truly has strong feelings for Jef With One F, but already knew at that point that she was going to pick Arie in the finale, and so she cried.
By the way, this YouTube interview with Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette has now convinced me that he would make an excellent Bachelor.  Though I stand by my belief that Jef With One F is still going to be chosen, and would make a better Bachelor.

7:46: I'm pretty excited about watching two hours of Chris Harrison putting on a hosting clinic.

8:02: I've said it once, I'll say it again.  You don't need to introduce yourself, Chris Harrison.  We all know who you are.

8:02: Time for the Chris Harrison Head Nodding Clinic.  This is definitely the drinking game tonight.

8:05: For the record, I have no problem marrying someone and having her call me her "trophy husband".  In fact, I'd love it.

8:06: I'm pretty sure that that was the first ever "I'm proud of you" head nod from Chris Harrison after they talked about how she dealt with Kalon.  I had no idea that it was even possible to have this many different variations and to be able to convey all these emotions with a simple movement of the head.  Head.  Nodding.  Clinic.

8:12: Blooper time!

8:16: I would argue that Chris is still a better dancer than me.

8:19: Wait, those weren't bloopers?

8:26: There's no doubt that Jamie is going to be an FMC on Bachelor Pad.

8:30: In case you forgot, we still don't have an explanation for John's "Wolf" nickname.

8:36: Chris, freaking out?  No way.  I don't believe it.

8:38: "You were offended by a lot of things."  Ryan is an amazing quote machine.


8:40: First "You weren't there for the right reasons" of the night.  I'm not sure we heard that at all this season, which is a rarity.


8:49: Oh Chris Harrison, you are so awesome.


8:52: Sean, is it possible for you to not be perfect for just a second?  Why do you always say and do the right thing?

9:06: I hate to say it, but Ryan needs his own reality show.

9:07: ...and I'd watch it, obviously.

9:17: Anybody else feel like giving Chris an ovation at the end of his interview?

9:24: The word "stoic" comes to mind watching this Sean montage.

9:33: Sean, again with the perfect answer.  Stop it.  Just stop it.

9:37: The serious and concerned head nod from Chris Harrison during the Kalon exchange.  He's the best.

9:44: BLOOPER TIME!

9:48: In case there was any doubt, yes, I will be liveblogging during the two hour finale on Sunday, along with After the Final Rose afterwards.

9:56: Interesting that Arie refers to being a stepfather, while Jef refers to being a father.

9:59: The finale looks pretty epic.  See ya Sunday!

Monday, July 09, 2012

The Bachelorette: Episode #9

Before I get started, I just wanted to properly credit my buddy G-Unit for giving me the scoop on the Chris Harrison-Emily rumour from last week.  This past week, I was told that Mrs. G-Unit's eagle eye noticed that Chris Harrison was still wearing his wedding ring during his interview with Emily, even though he is now separated from his wife.  It'll be interesting to see if/when the wedding ring disappears as we wrap up the season.  And yes, I will be looking for it tonight.
On a side note, G-Unit looks a lot like Chris Harrison.  Mrs. G-Unit is married to G-Unit, so is theoretically attracted to both him and people who look like him.  Chris Harrison is recently single.  Mrs. G-Unit has been checking out Chris Harrison's wedding ring situation.  Is that a coincidence?  I will let you draw your own conclusions.

7:08: We're not done with Chris Harrison just yet.  If you're looking for some thoughts on what's going to happen tonight, Chris Harrison tells us that tonight's ending is one you can't miss because it's the #mostdramaticever.  A second Chris Harrison tweet ominously tell us how we're going to feel about tonight's episode - don't click if you do not want to know how you will react to tonight's episode.  As if I wasn't looking forward to tonight's episode already...

7:15: By the way, it's obvious that Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette is going home tonight.  You can write that down in pen.  He's too perfect.  Perfect means boring and unchallenging.  Women do not like boring and unchallenging.  You cannot be intrigued by someone who has no flaws and quirks.  If anything, Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette is designed too perfectly.  As I told G-Unit in an e-mail this week, the best thing that Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette can do tonight is let a big fart rip.  I'm not even joking.

7:18: How many guys is Emily going to boink enjoy the fantasy suite with tonight?  My guess is only Arie, since that who she's choosing in the end, leading to Jef With One F becoming the next Bachelor.

8:00: Here we go!

8:02: Promotional consideration provided by American Airlines and the something-something Lodge.

8:04: "When you find those things in a person..."... it's like he's a cyborg specially designed for The Bachelorette?

8:06: Emily admits to liking guys with an edge.  You know who has absolutely no "edge"?  Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette, that's who.

8:08: Emily just got choked up talking about Arie.  Emily did not get choked up talking about the other two guys.  Emily is choosing Arie.

8:17: I noticed that the helicopter didn't fly away after dropping them off.  What's the pilot doing during their date?  Reading a book?  Sodoku?  Angry Birds?

8:19: Sean: "I'm crazy about you." Emily: "Thank you."  Not something one says to their future husband.

8:26: This would be the perfect time for Sean to just let a huge fart rip.  I'm dead serious.

8:28: Guys are really a fan of writing things down and reading them to Emily this season.

8:29: The drinking game tonight is Emily saying "Thank you" to Sean.

8:30: How nervous was Sean before he dropped the L-bomb?  You could totally read it in his eyes.

8:31: Boinking Fantasy suite decision time!

8:33: Sex denial #1!

8:34: Emily definitely wanted to get physical with the Cyborg.  Tremendous restraint shown.

8:40: I'm on a boat!

8:42: "...and even though I couldn't say anything back, he could tell from my face how I felt."  Is that the first time in the history of the show that it's been made blatantly clear the Bachelor/ette is not allowed to drop the L-bomb?

8:49: You know why Emily would be happy to move to wherever Jef With One F?  Because she saw the freakin' compound that Jef With One F brought her to on his hometown date.  She knows wherever she goes, she'll be well taken care of.  I would love to have seen her reaction to that question if Cyborg had asked the exact same thing.

8:52: Jef With One F is just killing it on this date.  He's asking questions that prove he's thinking about the big picture.

8:54: Reverse Sex Denial!  Unbelievable!!!  What a swerve!

8:58: Right after the reverse sex denial, Jef With One F confidently states, "Every night will be a fantasy suite."  I would not be surprised if flames are shooting out of the top of Jef With One F's head because he is on absolute fire right now.  He just put on an absolute clinic on how to do the right thing while leaving Emily wanting more.  Slow clap.

9:00: The reverse sex denial was fantastic.  I love that Jef With One F had the balls to turn her down first.

9:03: I want to swim with dolphins.

9:05: Here's what's going to happen - Cyborg gets sent home tonight, Emily chooses Arie in the finale, Jef With One F becomes the next Bachelor, and then Emily and Arie break up a year later once they realize that a relationship built around making out and sex fizzles out after a while.  Here's what Emily should do - send Cyborg home tonight, choose Jef With One F, and Cyborg becomes the next Bachelor.  Emily and Jef With One F live happily ever after on a farm in Utah with Ricki and their five Mormon-raised kids.

9:18: Emily didn't even offer Arie the fantasy suite card because she didn't "trust herself".  Can we just skip right to Arie's proposal now please?

9:21: No wedding ring on Chris Harrison!

9:23: It's amazing how many different head nods that Chris Harrison can break out during these interviews.

9:28: The Strong Head Nod.  The Slow Head Nod.  The Subtle Head Nod.  The Right Tilt to Left Tilt Head Nod.  The Understanding Head Nod.  The Empathetic Head Nod.  These are just the ones I can name off the top of my head nod.

9:31: Is it just me, or is Emily wearing a glorified tank top right now?

9:33: Tears over Jef With One F's video?  Does that mean he's going home instead of Cyborg?

9:34: Oh Emily, you are so wise.

9:36: Has Emily always had that tattoo on her left wrist?

9:40: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chris Harrison.  Nobody is guaranteeing a proposal in the finale.

9:42: Arie, first rose.  Lock it down.

9:43: First rose Jef With One F?!  What the hell is going on?!

9:44: Ah, OK.  Sending Arie home would have been the biggest shocker of all time.

9:45: For the record, Cyborg wore loafers to his last rose ceremony.

9:46: Emily be emotin' right now.

9:47: Great background music for the whole conversation.  The production guys on this show are so good.

9:50: No tears from Cyborg.

9:55: I enjoyed the subtlety of Sean's exit.  There were no shots a la Chris' infamous "I told you that I LOVED YOU".  Just quiet, sad reflection.

9:57: Ryan, Chris, Doug, and Kalon are going to make The Men Tell All very awesome next week.

10:00: Arie's outtakes were pretty awesome.

10:01: A solid, all around episode.  Not a whole lot else I can really say.  The only debate left is whether the next Bachelor is Sean or Jef.

Monday, July 02, 2012

The Bachelorette: Episode #8

Hometown dates tonight, and I'm very excited.  I have it on good authority that Jef With One F does one of the most romantic things ever tonight.  But before we get into that, there's a bunch of Bachelor/ette/Pad related items to get to.

1) The season finale and After the Final Rose will be airing on Sunday night.  That means that they've laid the foundation for a Jason/Melissa/Molly last minute switcheraroo, right...?  Oh, who are we kidding.  It's Emily.  She would never do that.

2) The first Bachelor Pad promo is up.  In related news, Kalon remains a horrible person.

3) It's never too late to talk about the next season of The Bachelorette.  My keen detective skills noticed this exchange between one of the executives of at ABC and Gia from Brad's season of The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad 1 & 2.  I've officially reached my manifest destiny as a blogger who is starting rumours about reality TV, so feel free to share this post/rumour-that-I-just-started with anyone who you secretly gossip with about The Bachelorette.  But enough about me.  What would you think of Gia as the next Bachelorette?

4) Star magazine is reporting a potential relationship between Emily and America's everyone's favourite reality show host, Chris Harrison.  This would make the Jason/Melissa/Molly love triangle and Jake-chooses-nobody drama look like nothing.  And if you can't trust Star magazine, who can you trust?

5) Bachelor Pad is only three weeks away.  I've already given in to my inevitable falling for Jamie (the awkward kissing girl from Ben's season who was directing how their makeout session would go) and her awkward charm, so I've started following her on Twitter.  Only 312 followers - how is this possible for the person with one of the most memorable scenes in Bachelor history?  It actually makes it remotely possible that she could potentially turn into an actual FMC since she's not actually famous, thus fulfilling my second manifest destiny to marry someone from the Bachelor franchise.

7:51: Excuse me for the next 3 minutes as I go get me some ice cream.

7:59: I wasn't joking.

8:01: Here we go...

8:02: Has anyone else noticed that Emily's scenes with Ricki have now replaced shrink sessions with Dr. Chris Harrison conversation scenes with Chris Harrison this season?

8:05: You know how you can tell that Emily isn't looking for someone exciting?  When she's labelling Arie as the "bad boy" with an edge.

8:07: This ice cream is delicious, by the way.

8:10: Prediction: The preview where they're showing Jef With One F's brother, Robert, telling Jef With One F that he has "never seen you want those things" (ie. being a husband and father) will actually be a scene where he tells him "I have never seen you want those things...until today."

8:11 The ice cream is melting.

8:12: "Chris told me that he loved me...and it feels so great."  Not exactly a ringing endorsement of Chris.

8:13: "On a scale of 1 to Polish, we're Polish." Not that much of a Chris fan, but he gets kudos for that quote.

8:14: Update: Ice cream is finished.

8:16: I look forward to Chris' sister, Renee.

8:19: The lack of ice cream for this commercial break makes me sad.

8:21: "...excited to meet their future daughter-in-law..." Hoooold your horses there, Chris.

8:22: I love how the dinner table seating is arranged like a sitcom so that everyone is sitting on one side of the table to allow the cameras to get a good shot from the other side.

8:27: On behalf of Betty, I take exception to Chris' characterization of his mom as "the best mom in the world".  Though to be fair, Betty never told me to go kick some ass and fight for someone I love...

8:28: Anyone else find how Chris dropped the L-bomb extremely awkward?

8:30: "If all the other hometown dates go like this, I'm in trouble."  No Emily, if all the hometown dates go well, you're sending Chris home, and there's no question about it.

8:34: Look at the way Emily greeted Jef With One F, and then think of how she greeted Chris.

8:35: This isn't a "ranch".  This is a freakin' compound.

8:36: I don't know why I'm saying this, but it makes so much sense that Jef With One F is a lefty.

8:38: Anyone else notice that Jef With One F's explanation of his parents "doing charity work" sounded completely dubbed over?  For those of you with PVR, rewind it and play it back.  You'll notice it for sure.

8:44: The lemonade cheers was rather charming.

8:46: Look at the positioning of the seats with the conversation with the sisters.  It's setup like an interview.

8:47: Is it just me, or does the one brunette sister looks a bit like Ashley, the previous Bachelorette?


8:48: The one surefire way to win over the sisters is to show how good of a mom you are with one of their kids.

8:49: The lighting for these confessional interviews with the family members is somewhat poorly done.  It's very obvious that there's extra lighting from the glow on

8:51: Why is he not looking at her?  If you're going to declare your love for someone, shouldn't you look into their eyes for at least a couple of moments?

8:52: Well, at least he ended it by looking into her eyes for the last sentence.

8:55: Jef With One F > Chris

8:57: Playing up the auto racing angle.  Well played, Arie.  Well played.

8:58: Emily looked pretty hot walking up with half the racing outfit on...

9:08: Awkward...

9:09: The private chat with Arie's mom is happening in a bedroom?  Really?

9:10: "One of the million things that I love about him..." Indirectly dropping the L-bomb.  A sign of the future?

9:12: I'd like for someone to explain to me a scenario in which someone's parents would not approve of Emily.

9:21: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette is not afraid to use some tongue with Emily.

9:22: They just walked away from the picnic without cleaning up.  If you're going to pretend like the producers aren't involved, at least don't show them walking from the picnic.

9:26: "I think a life with Sean would be perfect."  The thing is, no girl wants perfect, and that's why she won't choose Sean in the end.

9:27: Only rich people name their kids "Kensington".  Can you picture "Kensington" being from a poor family?

9:29: "I wish my mom would have cleaned up a bit."  Wow.

9:30: Well played, Sean, well played.

9:35: Again, Sean is not afraid of using his tongue.

9:37: Sean really likes to run around chasing Emily.

9:38: I'm betting that Sean's use of tongue was much more liberal for that last kiss since the cameras weren't around.

9:39: I'm going to be disappointed if there's no sitdown conversation with Chris Harrison tonight.  It's been a while since we've seen him put on one of his patented head nodding clinics.

9:40: Drink every time you see Chris Harrison doing the head nod during this interview.

9:41: The cutaways are taking away from the head nods.

9:42: "He's been so open with me from Day 1."  Apparently Emily is now willing to completely overlook the whole "I once dated the producer" thing.

9:44: This is what Emily is referring to: "Hey, remember the time when you brought Emily to meet us, and then she broke up with you a few days later?"

9:49: Jef With One F looks really short compared to the other guys.

9:50: I love how Chris Harrison comes out to tell everyone it's the final rose when only three roses are being handed out.

9:51: Chris is the only person in North America who is shocked that he wasn't chosen.

9:52: Chris is not taking this well.

9:53: Chris did not let Emily close the limo door for him.  He is not taking this well.

9:54: Chris claims he is ten times the man that the remaining guys are.  He's also extremely humble.

9:56: They lied to us!  The Emily meltdown comes next week, not this week.  Not impressed.

10:00: I'm looking forward to next week.  To be precise, I'm looking forward to next week to see how Emily deals with the fantasy suite situation with the three guys.  Does she go boinking with every guy?  None of the guys?  Or just with frontrunner Arie?