The Bachelorette: Episode #3

Let's get right into it.  Chris Harrison has some interesting Tweets about tonight.

8:00: Here we go!

8:01: Someone's going to have to clean up that egg mess, you know.

8:08: Is it just me, or was the "thunder" that they were showing just the same shot over and over and over again?

8:13: So Emily thought Chris was 30...

8:17: Is anyone else bored to tears right now?

8:18: First kiss on the show in episode 3?  That must be a record for The Bachelor franchise.

8:23: Let's hope this group date will have a pulse, unlike Chris and Emily.

8:24: Emily throws like a girl.  I'm just sayin'.

8:25: A Wolf sighting!

8:26: This is going to be much more interesting.

8:28: The only thing worse than tonight's episode so far was Ashley's entire season.

8:31: If Emily flipped out because Chris was 25, how come she's not going crazy that Alejandro is 24?

8:32: Wolf, ironically, got eaten alive.

8:34: First "right reasons" of the night!

8:35: Cougar alert!  Cougar alert!  Cougar alert!

8:36: I want the cameras to follow Wendy instead of Emily.  She's much more interesting.

8:37: Ginormous Neck Ryan with the first foot in the mouth of the episode.  If Chris Harrison is to be believed, he won't be the last.

8:44: For the record, I am also...selective.

8:45: I think I'm on Team Sean.

8:47: Notice that Doug didn't actually call her mother "Mom" in his story.  Instead, it was just "My dad married a bad person, and then had my sister, and then me."

8:48: Emily chose Arie over Kalon for the one-on-one date.  In other news, the sky is blue.

8:49: New nickname: Tony Tears.

8:55: Whenever Tony talks, the sad piano solo is always playing in the background.

9:01: Emily just made the most graceful elimination ever.  She might not be the most exciting person in the world, but you'll never say she's not graceful.

9:05: We're about twenty minutes away from meeting Angry Egg-Smashing Emily.  I'm looking forward to it.

9:08: Chris looks really weird sometimes.

9:11: Emily : Dolly Parton :: Me : Mario Lemieux

9:15: If you told me that Dolly Parton was 75, I would believe you.  If you told me that Dolly Parton was 35, I would believe you.

9:16: I've decided that if I were ever The Bachelor, my one and only demand would be to have one of my 1-on-1 dates in Pittsburgh where we would play hockey and Mario Lemieux would "surprise" me us by showing up, after which I would swiftly give the 1-on-1 rose to Mario and tell the girl to go home.

9:22: For a second there, I thought Emily was getting bored while Arie was talking.

9:24: Pretending to not choose Arie means that Arie is the frontrunner.

9:25: I was not aware that Dolly Parton had such a good voice.

9:31: Did Emily just use the word "genuine" to describe Kalon?!?!

9:34: It's not even an angry egg toss!

9:35: Who else is suddenly craving an omelette?

9:36: The Shelly toast by the guys was awesome.

9:37: Oh no, Alessandro.  Oh no.

9:38: If you want to woo a woman, do what Alessandro did.  Only the exact opposite.  Wow.

9:43: So...Arie's going to win.

9:45: Good God, Sean.  You're like a frickin' Bachelor cyborg, created specifically for The Bachelorette.

9:50: Who the hell is the guy with the long hair?  Has he said anything this season?

9:51: Just found out his name was Michael.

9:52: I thought it was weird that all of the guys were wearing blush because their cheeks were slightly red.  Then I realized that everyone's had a few cocktails.  Look at Stevie's cheeks and just try to tell me he hasn't had a couple.

9:54: It's so hard to believe that Emily didn't think that a party MC named Stevie would be a good father to Ricki.

9:59: Well, tonight's episode is what I feared when they announced Emily as The Bachelorette.  Two hours of bland Emily just isn't very exciting if there's not a lot going on.  Fortunately, Wendy and Alessandro were there to keep the show afloat, but I don't think this will go down in Bachelorette history as one of the most exciting episodes ever.

10:00: Alessandro is a gypsy and he's not afraid to tell you that.  And on that note, good night.

The Bachelorette: Episode #2

I've had to stay late at work over the past couple of months since there's been a bunch of work I had to do (though not busy enough to stop taking silly pictures like this and this at work).  I usually don't mind working late, but apparently I'm not very subtle when it comes to not wanting to stay late.  Here's a conversation from last Tuesday:

My boss as he was leaving for the day: So did you watch last night?  (referring to The Bachelorette, which his wife watches)
Me: Yes, of course.
My boss: I couldn't help but notice that you were in a hurry to leave last night...
Me: Yeah.  I usually don't mind staying late, but there are some things that take priority over everything else.

I swear this conversation absolutely happened.

4:57: Remember when I said that nobody likes The Bachelorette more than The Bachelor?  I couldn't really explain why this is the case.  It just is.  Fortunately, the Internet is all-knowing and encapsulated what I was trying to say in one neat paragraph.  As a side bonus: the phrase "testicle spectacle" is involved.

7:47: 13 minutes away!

7:49: By the way, how far are we from seeing Courtney The Model's face plastered across Us Weekly as she talks about her "heartbreaking" breakup with Ben?  Three months?  Three weeks?

7:57: I just discovered that the show doesn't start until 9 PM.  Not impressed.

8:10: Any chance I had of ever watching Dancing With The Stars will have disappeared by the time this waste of an hour is over.

8:33:  Words cannot fully capture how I feel right now.  A picture, however...

8:59: Things I've learned over the past hour.  There is an incredibly attractive contestant on Dancing With The Stars named Katherine Jenkins.  She'd be the prototypical FMC if, you know, she wasn't the reason that I wasn't spending quality time with Emily and Chris Harrison right now. #stillangry

9:00: DWTS overrun.  Still angry.

9:01: Wait, did I hear Kelly Clarkson will be on the next DWTS?  Maybe I could be talked into giving this show a chance...

9:03: Is it just me, or is it weird not being in the Bachelor mansion?

9:05: Things I did not know before tonight - Charlotte's nickname is "Queen City".

9:09: Ryan The Guy With the Ginormous Neck, aka Ryan The Guy Who Overused Quotations In His ABC Bio, is the guy with the first date.  Emily says Ryan is good looking.  All I can see is the ginormous neck.  For the ladies out there: is he actually good looking?  Can someone be good looking with a ginormous neck?

9:12: You could tell that Ryan was not too impressed with the staydate.

9:13: This season is completely different from any other season I've ever watched of The Bachelor/ette, mostly because it's based in reality.

9:15: Did anyone else become excited at the thought of going to Chuck E. Cheese?  Anyone?  Oh, it's just me.

9:23: What happens if Ryan doesn't know how to drive stick?  How do they get to the restaurant?  I'm asking because I don't know how to drive stick, mostly because I've always needed to drive automatic so I can change Mariah Carey CDs in the car eat Arby's in the car.

9:27: So did the crowd show up because of the free concert, or because of Emily?

9:28: No kiss yet.  Last season, Ben would have had his tongue halfway down a girl's throat by now.

9:33: There's a completely different feel to this season.  Usually, the show operates in isolation from reality - no outside people are involved.  That way, the show can pretend like it's not really a reality show.  This season, we kick off this season with a bunch of kids, followed by an outdoor concert where the public really came to see Emily, not the concert.  They're not pretending that Emily isn't a local celebrity, if that makes sense.

9:33: Yes, John "Wolf".  The Ricki Hendrick Foundation, named after her deceased fiancé, is an important charity to Emily.  Thanks for providing that brilliant insight.

9:40: Stevie definitely left Kalon hanging on the pre-show group high five - rewind it if you have the show on DVR.  Total passive aggressive move.  The Stevie-Kalon feud continues.

9:42: Um...the Muppets movie came out in November.  Whoever is in charge of using this as a movie promotion is six months late.

9:45: Chris Harrison cameo!

9:47: Jef with one F seems like a good dude.

9:52: No no no, Charlie.  You don't want Emily to think "I felt like a proud mama" about your effort, Charlie. Then you get categorized as a non-romantic interest and get put into the FriendZone.

9:53: Chris Harrison, you're the best host on TV, and as a result, I highly recommend that you do not quit you day job.

9:57: Sean says, "I'm actually really relieved to not be on the big group date."  As opposed to everyone else, who wanted to share Emily with ten other dudes?

10:02: Ah, the Stevie-Kalon feud is definitely not over.

10:06: I like how everyone is squeezing Kalon out by interrupting his conversation as soon as possible.  They've definitely put a bullseye on him.  It's like he did something to make everyone hate him the moment he descended from his helicopter.

10:10: Is that Emily's car, or is that the car the show gave her to drive around while she was filming?

10:11: That may be Emily's car, but I'm going out on a limb by saying that that's not Emily's jet.

10:12: If this was Emily's favorite place to go growing up, then she clearly comes from money.

10:15: Doug's favorite phrase is clearly "Check it".

10:16: The drinking game tonight is any mention of "being a parent", "being a mom", or "being a dad".

10:17: Me channelling my inner Doug tomorrow at work: "We have to re-prioritize the things we're doing.  Just think about that project for a while, and check it."


10:20: Emily talks about how there's a "spark missing" with Joe.  Recall my initial thought about Joe from the premiere:

10:03: Joe does not stand a chance.  He and Emily don't fit at all.  This is all based on a 20 second interaction and I could not be more certain of this.  Remember that I said this.

 I stand by my initial analysis.

10:24: Chan 1, Joe's chemistry with Emily 0.

10:25: Emily, what do you mean "He did nothing wrong"?  He had nothing but clichés to say, and then when you asked a follow-up question to see if he was full of crap, he couldn't answer it and flipped it back to you. He did everything wrong!

10:28: Wow, no goodbye hug.  That's cold, Joe, cold.

10:30: Emily is crying over sending someone home on their first date.  Imagine what's going to happen when they get down to the final four and she must send someone home after the hometown dates and meeting someone's parents.  Or when it's down to the final two.  There's going to be an epic uglycry.

10:31: You can't show Emily's mom on camera without interviewing her!  I want to know if she's exactly like  Emily.

10:32: Some bigass "look at me" glasses on Aaron.

10:33: Arie, you didn't get a date with Emily because you're the race car driver guy who is for sure staying this week.

10:40: Tony, if you stay tonight, it will be out of sympathy from Emily.  If it was someone in Tony's place that Emily truly had some feelings for - say, Doug or Arie - there's no way that Emily would just have him wait there awkwardly while she read the novel that Ryan wrote for her.  She would have done an "OK, I'll take this and read it later, but thank you so much for this."  But since Tony falls well below Ryan on the Emily's totem pole, she didn't rescue him from the three five ten fifteen minute awkward lurk that he just had to endure.

10:42: Not a chance in hell, Tony.  Not a chance.

10:44: Have you noticed that every time Kalon speaks, it's just one big humblebrag?

10:46: I have no Louis Vuitton luggage.  In fact, I had to google it to get spelling right.  Who's got two thumbs and is not automatically classified as an a****** according to one guy in the house?  This guy.

10:51: I didn't think it was possible for the entire room to do an eyeroll at the same time, but the guys proved me wrong when Emily chose Kalon.

10:52: I'm calling Tony and Big Glasses Aaron going home tonight.  Mostly because I can't name anyone else besides Big Glasses Aaron as the second guy, but that's irrelevant.

10:53: Tony with the sympathy rose!

10:53: I don't know who John is.  I only know John "Wolf".

10:55: Big Glasses Aaron, going home!  Getting 1/2 from a room of 12 guys is pretty good, I have to say.

10:58: Emily intentionally breaks the egg next week.  If that's not must-see TV, I don't know what is.

11:01: This season has a completely different feel to it.  They're not pretending like it's not a reality show, and they're not pretending like people don't recognize them in public.  That adds a more realistic feel to the show.  Because of that, I'm much more excited about this season.  It just adds a different dimension that they hadn't had before.

Mission Accomplished!

I saw this at work the other day and had to take a picture - the unintentional comedy is off the charts.

Bachelorette: Season Premiere

Who's excited for a new season of the redheaded stepchild of The Bachelor that is The Bachelorette?  Let's be honest: nobody - neither guys nor girls - enjoy The Bachelorette as much as The Bachelor.  We could psychoanalyze society for why that is, but we're not hear to do that.  No no, we're hear to judge the incoming crop of bachelors tonight.

Now normally, I would have already provided a breakdown of each bachelor profile from the official ABC website.  However, they seem to have mistakenly uploaded half of the previous season's bios.  And while I am extremely happy to reminded of the unending awesome awkwardness that was Ames, heads need to roll for this screw up.

And while I discovered through the magic of Google the bios of the guys from this season today, it was too late, as I was stuck at work late.  Blame ABC for the lack of blog post previewing each guy's bio.

9:08: By the way, what's with the weird 9:30 start time and only one and a half hours of show tonight?  I'm upset.

9:19: I'm worried that this season might not be very entertaining.  Emily might be the 21st century version of Mother Teresa, but she could turn out to be an unending non-scandalous bore if some articles are to taken at face value.  However, perhaps the dashingly good looking host (right, G-Unit?) Chris Harrison has just filed for divorce from his wife of 18 years so maybe we'll see a newer, more edgy side of him to add some flavor to Emily's blandness.

9:29: Here's how the show is going to start: A three minute intro with soft music, then as they talk about Emily's breakup with Brad, it'll turn to sad music, which will be followed by uplifting (perhaps country?) music as Emily talks about her hope to find love again.  I've watched enough of The Bachelor/ette to know how those brilliant sound editors work.

9:31: Eff Dancing With the Stars.  I want The Bachelorette to begin.

9:32: Drinking game for tonight: any mention of "Ricki" or "my daughter".

9:33: "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."  Emily, you're Emily.  You're too nice to have enemies.  Nobody could ever hate you.

9:35: Hopeful music after talking about the breakup with Brad!  See, I told you!

9:37: FYI - I'm blogging through injury right now.  I hurt my thumb a week ago playing ball hockey, and it still doesn't feel 100%.  These are the sacrifices I make.

9:38: I love that someone is stupid enough to fly in a freakin' helicopter.  It's one thing to ride in on a horse a la Lindzi because at least that's kind of cute and endearing.  Coming in on a helicopter just screams ego and "ooooh, look at me and my fancy chopper because I always want to be the centre of attention".  It's as if he wants all the other guys to hate him before they even meet him.

9:40: Every time Chris Harrison kicks off a season, "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison", my immediate reaction is always "You don't need to tell us your name.  We know who you are."

9:44: "What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily?"  The guy who just referred to himself as an object?

9:45: Token black guy!  I'm sure that an interracial marriage will go over well in North Carolina.

9:48: Oh, c'mon.  This Arie guy is a race car driver?  That's a little too convenient.  I wonder if Emily is going to do a little something I like to call "projecting".

9:52: I think we need a sit-down interview, Chris Harrison.  We want to see you do what you do best - half psychologist, half head-nodder extraordinaire.

9:54: Nobody will ever be able to convince me that Chris Harrison doesn't look in the mirror and practice his understanding nod.

10:00: Sean doesn't walk.  He saunters.  For those with DVRs, just rewind and watch the first guy come in again.

10:02: Jackson the Fitness Model.  Wow.  He could be a piece of work.

10:03: Joe does not stand a chance.  He and Emily don't fit at all.  This is all based on a 20 second interaction and I could not be more certain of this.  Remember that I said this.

10:06: "I'm Jef."  What he should have said is, "My name is Jef with one 'F'."

10:07: Is Stevie really happening right now?

10:09: I wonder what my opening line would be if I were on the show.  "Hi, nice to meet you.  I'm Simon, I'm a big baseball fan, I work for a bank, and I can't really explain what I do there."

10:12: Did Randy's grandma just happen?  That's just awful.

10:13 Nate the accountant looks like an accountant.  Emily just said, "So cute" when he was walking away.  She never said that for anyone else.  I'm just sayin'.  First impressions go a long way on this show.

10:17: Ryan has a ginormous neck.

10:18: I love that Kalon, the guy who claimed in his pre-interview that he was trying to tone himself down and be less flashy, is also the guy who showed up in a helicopter.

10:23: Chris Harrison's hair is a little bit shorter than he usually has it.  I'm just sayin'.

10:25: If you missed it, someone just began a toast with "To the hottest mom in the world".

10:26: Did anyone else notice the awesome violin solo playing in the background when Chris the bobblehead guy was doing the bobblehead conversation with Emily?  Best sound editors ever.

10:29: Doug has somehow played the "single dad" card with Emily three times in one night.  And yet the way he did it was totally sincere.

10:31: Did it really just say John "Wolf" as one of the guy's names?  I look forward to hearing that explanation.

10:44: The egg dude brought the egg to the rose ceremony.  Awesome.

10:45: As I said 42 minutes ago, I predict you will not hear the name "Joe" uttered at the rose ceremony tonight.

10:47: Nate the "so cute" accountant, received a rose.  Not a shocker there.

10:48: Joe got a rose?  Unbelievable.

10:49: There's an Alejandro and an Alessandro?!?!

10:50: Where would we be without Chris Harrison to tell us that it's the final rose?

10:51: Egg dude for the win!

10:51: You could totally read the thought of "It's because I'm black" on the black guy's face when he realized he wasn't getting a rose.  That's right.  I said it.

10:52: I thought Brent was joking about having six kids...apparently not.

10:53: The guys didn't seem to enthused about Emily's "Here's to finding love in Charlotte!" toast because they were probably expecting a two month vacation around the world.

10:57: Of course Emily would have Dolly Parton on her season.  Of course.

10:59: I look forward to seeing feisty, swearing Emily this season.

11:01: I loved that Jackson the Fitness Model went out of his way to show off his body, even if it had to be during the exit interview.

11:02: A decent start to the season.  I really hope we seem some more depth to Emily.  I don't want to hear about Ricki and Emily being a single mom all season long.  That would get boring real quick.

When the caution sign needs another caution sign

I was working late on Friday night, and everyone had gone home.  Even the cleaning lady had come through and done her job.

Needing a break from staring at a computer screen all day, I walked over to the washroom...

...and damn near tripped over the pylon that was literally one step past the washroom door.  You know when a caution pylon isn't very effective?  When the pylon itself is more dangerous than the caution it's warning about.  If you wonder how those crazy "Man stuck at work for an entire weekend because he was working late Friday night and had fallen down" stories happen, this is how.