Bachelor Episode #5: Live Running Diary

We're back for another week of insanity, and who doesn't look forward to blurcles on TV?  I know I'm excited about seeing Courtney The Model (CTM) on the beach with Ben and the subsequent freak-out by Needy Kacie (NK) when she finds out.  So powered by the show that smart women people watch, let's get ready for women to do things they're going to regret as soon as they're off the show.

6:12: Here's a brief tangent about next season's Bachelorette from Cobra's girlfriend, JB. Emily is the next Bachelorette.  Bentley was on Ashley's season but had no interest in Ashley because he had hoped that it was going to be Emily.  As a result, Bentley turned up to be quite possibly the biggest d-bag in Bachelorette history (feel free to debate among yourselves).  How good would it be to have Bentley on Emily's season?  I think this needs to happen.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to phone Chris Harrison to set the wheels in motion on this awesome plan.  Speed dial 1...

7:41: 20 minutes until I get to see FMC Casey.  I'm excited.

8:01: There's a baseball game tonight!  Just when I think this show can't get any better...

8:05: My prediction: Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress is going home at the rose ceremony tonight.  But if you're sad for Blakely, just know that she would have been sent home the first night if she was just a regular cocktail waitress.

8:10: Why do none of my dental hygienists I've had look like Nicki?

8:11: I like Nicki.  She seems fun.

8:11: "Nicki was married before.  Now she's divorced."  Thanks for clarifying, Ben.  Here we were, thinking that Nicki was still married before you set us straight.

8:12: "Nothing can rain on this parade," Nicki tells us as it rains on her date with Ben.  See what she did there?

8:14: How much do you want to bet that they couldn't show them paying for the clothes because the producers did it after they had left?

8:17: Did you notice that when Nicki was reflecting on her marriage and how she should have lived with her fiance before marriage, she was looking at the ground the entire time and didn't once look at Ben as she told him about her past?  She was in full-on reflective mode there.  Rewind if you PVRed the show.  You could tell she wasn't so much telling Ben about her past as she was just reminiscing about her past.  You know that look when you tell a story and you look off into the distance as you think about it and tell the story?  She was doing that instead of engaging in a conversation with Ben on her past.  She was definitely in love with her ex.  It's analysis like this that they pay me the big bucks for.

8:21: Ben is going to probe into Nicki's marriage.  I wonder if she's going to do the look away nostalgic thing again.

8:23: Nicki is fully engaged in this conversation.  Much better chemistry.

8:24: I'm pretty sure that if the girls voted on who they thought was the smartest among the girls left, Blakely would not receive a vote after that conversation.

8:27: Nicki and Ben are going at it like the plane's going down.  I'm pretty sure I saw some tongue.

8:31: Hall of Fame FMC Sarah Michelle Gellar is doing the voiceover for CARE.  I'd recognize Buffy's voice anywhere.

8:33: Jennifer and Jamie both have very good swings.

8:34: Casey looks amazing in her black outfit.  However, she is definitely not the most coordinated nor athletic person I've ever seen.  It's OK.  I'll bring the athletic genes to our future children.  You can bring the cute factor.

8:35: One woman is going to play for both teams.  Best double entendre ever.

8:36: CTM didsn't choose her BFF Casey with her first pick.  I'm just sayin'.

8:37 Lindzi didn't run through first.  You can run through first, Lindzi.  Just because you like the outdoors doesn't mean you know sports.

8:38: Ben made an error.  He's clearly got money on this game.

8:39: I really appreciate it any time two girls chest bump.

8:40: Casey throws...like a girl.

8:42: I looooove how they had Emily doing the color commentary and ended it with "...and it was 6-6 going into extra innings", then cut to commercial like it was some kind of cliffhanger or Game 7 of the World Series. Melodrama editing at its finest.

8:44: Bachelor Canada!  I'm excited for this fall.

8:45: I appreciate how they have official umpires at this game.  Everything is by the books in this epic battle.

8:46: Blakely is going to lose it in 3....2....

8:48: CTM with some solid baseball metaphors.  Well done.

8:49: Words cannot describe how much I, the baseball guy, enjoyed watching baseball being played on The Bachelor.

8:53: The winners took a helicopter out of there.  The losers rode a yellow bus home.  Well done on the symbolism, Bachelor producers.

8:55: Oh Ben.  It's like you're telling my life story.  You can't see me, but I'm looking off into the distance nostalgically.

8:57: I think Ben is out of NK's league.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with CTM - she's not mature enough for Ben given her age and life experience.  This is sort of related to NK's neediness, but not quite the same.

9:04: I look forward to seeing "Promotional consideration provided by W Resorts" in the closing credits.

9:05: ...and Elyse is crying before her 1-on-1 date has even started.  I'm confused as to how this is even possible.

9:06: CTM likes to make a snarky comment in the interview room, followed by her pouting her lips and moving them to one side.  Be on the lookout for it.

9:08: Elyse is trying to guilt-trip Ben a bit with all she's given up to be on the show.  I don't think that's the best strategy.  It puts a lot of pressure on him instead of letting things progress naturally.

9:10: Jumping off the side of a yacht into the sea looks like it would be fun.  I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to find out for myself.

9:14: Ben is coming off as a seasoned pro on this date with Elyse.  He just looks a lot more comfortable tonight, like he belongs and he knows he belongs.  He doesn't seem as fazed, unlike before when all the drama was unfolding in previous episodes.

9:16: Elyse is so going home.  Any time you hear a guy do the head nod and say "Uh-huh, uh-huh" in agreement, you've lost his interest.

9:17: I love how Ben reached for the rose to give the speech about how he wasn't going to give her a rose.  He even faked me out.  He made me doubt my comment from a minute ago.  Well played, Ben the Winemaker.  Well played.

9:20: No limo exit interview for Elyse.  She gets the dreaded boat exit.

9:20: Good music overlay by the sound editors.  Really brings out the emotion and sadness with Elyse crying. Never underestimate the editing they do that adds to the show.  I was ready to start waving my lighter in the air.

9:27: Wow, CTM just referred to herself as a model.  What a shock that that would be brought up.  That's never happened before.

9:30: Translation: CTM wants to get her bang on.

9:31: Blurcle time!

9:36: "Courtney and I shared an intimate moment."  I'm not fluent in Ben Hookup Terminology, so I can't figure out exactly what they did.

9:38: Is Blakely about to drop the L-bomb?

9:39: Cue the inspirational music.  Just try to tell me the sound guys don't deserve an Emmy.

9:40: Blakely gave a nice speech.  Too bad she's still going home.

9:41: Casey has been skinnydipping!  I would have never guessed.

9:43: Emily...what are you doing?  How do you start a conversation about how you didn't think about CTM at all...and then give a monologue about how you still don't like CTM?

9:44: Emily wants to know why Ben would keep a girl like CTM around.  I think the skinnydipping scene explains why.

9:46: I take it back.  I think Emily is going home now, but only because she's an idiot.  It would have been Blakely otherwise.

9:48: Of course it's been the most pivotal week for Ben since he's been the bachelor!  He just got some model skinnydipping action!

9:50: Has Jamie ever spoken in an interview?

9:51: FMC lives to make me swoon for another episode!

9:52: Shocker!  Jennifer, who Ben anointed the best kisser in the house, is going home!  Jennifer seems really nice.

9:53: Both Jennifer and Elyse are wondering what they did wrong.  How come they can't accept that sometimes you can do things right and still aren't a good fit for someone else?  Sometimes things don't work out and it's nobody's fault.  Hold your head up high, and just know you did all you can do.  It's not all sarcasm and mocking on the blog.  I can be inspirational when I choose to be.

9:54: Who's got the huge arm tattoo?

9:55: Seeing Casey cry in the preview for next week made my heart break a little.

9:59: If Casey leaves the show prematurely because of a family issue, does that mean she might be the next Bachelorette?  And if so, when can I sign up?  Maybe I'll just call speed dial 1 again...

10:04: I'm still surprised that Jennifer went home.  What shockers will next week hold?  Are Casey's tears going to lead to tears it getting dusty on the Chantastic couch?  We'll find out next week!

Bachelor Episode #4: Live Running Diary

Welcome back to another week of half-crazed women doing fully crazed things.  I'd like to give a shout out to all the couples watching the show and reading the blog together - I received feedback from quite a few people last week who do this with their significant others to make it more entertaining.  I guess it makes sense that people need sarcastic commentary while watching the show since - let's face it - this show is absurd and occasionally a trainwreck.  I'm looking at you, Jenna.

So if you're trying to convince your boyfriend/husband to watch the show with you (it doesn't seem like women need a lot of convincing to watch) and their response is that the show is ridiculous and absurd, you should just agree with them, and then show them the blog to prove that ridiculous and absurd can also be entertaining if you embrace the ridiculousness and absurdity.  I swear that ABC isn't paying me to write that.

As some of you may know, G-Unit and I exchange weekly post-show analysis on the show.  Yes, that's right - I do a running blog of the show, and then I also analyze the show in an e-mail the next morning at work after I come home from work the next day.  For the second week in a row, G-Unit threw in an excellent theory from his wife - here's the unedited theory from that e-mail:

(My wife) had a good theory on LindZi.  If you remember during the first episode…Z said she hardly ever wears any makeup when she’s back home, but when she’s on this show…she wears the equivalent of a truckload of makeup all the time.  Does she not know how to apply makeup due to her lack of experience putting it on, or does she have to wear so much makeup so that she is not too shiny for the cameras?


That is an outstanding theory.  And given that this probably isn't the last theory we've heard from G-Unit's wife, she is being officially added to the Cast of Characters page - I name thee "Mrs. G-Unit"!

7:07: I'm kind of disappointed that Shawntel didn't stick around.  She would have created amazing drama.

7:16: I cannot overstate how worried I am that FMC Casey will be sent home tonight - I haven't seen her interact with Ben since the first episode.  But if she gets sent home, I suppose it means I'll be able to provide better commentary.  Every time she's on screen, I swoon like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  And really, how am I going to write sarcastic comments when I'm in mid-swoon?

8:01: Great inspirational wild, wild west to kick off the episode.  I'm ready to channel my inner Indiana Jones. The production and editing staff bring their A-game again.

8:03: Ben tell us that the dates he has planned are "outdoors-y".  Actually Ben, the dates are just outdoors.

8:04: Casey!  I just swooned.

8:05: I feel like it'd be fun to hang out with Chris Harrison.  I wonder if he uses his hands as much when he talks to his friends while throwing in the occasional hand clasp.  These are the things I think about.

8:05: I want to know more about Rachel's "communication issues".  I hope that she starts resorting to sign language in the middle of the date.

8:06: Needy Kacie makes an appearance!  Totally predicted that last week!

8:10: Kacie, simmer down.  You've been on two dates with him.  It's hard to believe that Kacie and her neediness are still single.

8:12: After the two hour advertisement for Sonoma a couple of weeks ago, it's good to see that they're being consistent - this is quickly becoming a two hour ad for Park City, Utah.

8:14: Who's got two thumbs and predicted Needy Kacie during the second episode?  This guy.  Who's got two thumbs and is now officially renaming her Needy Kacie, or NK for short?  This guy.

8:16: Ah, so thiiiiiiis is what Rachel meant by her "communication issues".  She simply doesn't talk.

8:25: Ah, so Rachel is what we call "the overanalyzer" of relationships.

8:26: The drinking game is anytime Rachel says "past relationship".

8:26: The food is just sitting there.  It's getting cold.  Please eat it.  It's driving me crazy that they're not eating it.  Is that weird?

8:27: "...and I hope that he gives me the chance to keep on opening up."  Let me finish that sentence for you, Rachel. "...my legs".

8:30: I'm enjoying McDonald's new marketing campaign about how they use normal eggs in their Egg McMuffins.  Essentially, it's "we use real eggs in our breakfast sandwiches unlike the crap we put in our other food, so buy our breakfast sandwiches because they're actually somewhat normal".

8:32: The sound editing staff is putting on a western music clinic right now.

8:33: I just realized that Lindzi has a home field advantage with the horses...

8:34: ...and right after I think of that, cut to Lindzi basically saying the same thing.  I know this show so well that I can predict what's going to happen.

8:35: NK literally said that she wants Ben to reassure her.  That's not needy at all.

8:36: Flyfishing is a horrible group date idea.  They're all just standing there by themselves while keeping tabs on Ben out of the corner of their eye.  None of the other girls can really occupy each other or socialize when Ben's talking to the other girls since you can't stand beside each other while flyfishing.  Worst.  Group date idea.  Ever.

8:37: CTM thinks that NK is "sweet and cute and...kind of annoying."

8:38: Beer and wine on the flyfishing date.  So that's how you spice it up.

8:44: They're making The Bachelor Canada!

8:45: Casey!  Casey!  Casey!

8:46: Casey has only been in two serious relationships.  It's going to be three once we meet.

8:46: Nicki, how dare you interrupt Casey.  You're dead to me.

8:48: I think Samantha is drunk.

8:49: Nope, Samantha is druuuuuuunk.

8:49: Samantha is going home in 3...2...1...

8:50: So drunk.  Wow.

8:51: In case you were wondering, the translation for Ben saying "I wonder if you're taking this seriously" is "I can't believe you're drunk right now."

8:53: I would have never guessed that Samantha would have gone home before Casey.  Good thing they don't have Bachelor betting online.  Also, they should have Bachelor betting online.

8:58: I can't believe NK told Ben to reassure her and it actually didn't come off as needy.

9:00: In case you missed it, here's how Ben views the women - CTM is the girl to get naked with, while NK is the girl to cuddle with.  My prediction: CTM makes it to the overnight date so Ben gets to boink her, but she doesn't get chosen because that's all Ben ultimately wants from her.

9:03: Doing the Charlie Sheen "Winning!" phrase is only funny if you do it ironically.  CTM is not doing it ironically, so it's just creepy instead.

9:10: Nobody will ever be able to convince me that the "No Trespassing" sign wasn't just put up ten minutes before Ben and Jennifer arrived.

9:13: I enjoy casual, ponytail Casey.  Excuse me while I swoon.

9:14: That was pretty cool.

9:15: Worst kiss setup ever on the show - trying to kiss while pedaling water with your legs to keep from going under.  Not romantic in the least.

9:19: They just cut to Bennifer out of the water after the commercial break.  How did they get out of the crater?  What type of process do they use?  Do they use the same equipment from when they were lowered in?  Or do they use something else since it's further down?  These are the things I think about.

9:22: I can't believe that Monica has gone from the girl who was hitting on another girl in the season premiere to the voice of reason.

9:24: Clay Walker might be a "superstar" according to Jennifer, but I've never heard of him until a minute ago.

9:26: "I feel really special that Ben put this together for me."  Jennifer is officially the second Bachelorette to give all the credit for setting up the date to Ben while pretending like the producers had nothing to do with it.  Yeah, I'm sure Ben called up Clay Walker himself, Jennifer.

9:29: Jennifer seems really nice.  She's sweet and pretty - but not too pretty - and women don't feel threatened by her.  In other words, she'd be perfect as The Bachelorette.  Too bad that they've already chosen Mother Teresa as the next Bachelorette.

9:32: Emily with a tremendous statue analogy for CTM.  Well done, Emily.  I'd slow clap for you right now, but I'm busy typing.

9:33: Ben just said, "I don't expect you to throw anyone under the bus."  If you read between the lines, that means, "Don't tell me who you're talking about."  So what does Emily do five seconds later?  She tells him it's CTM.  Emily, learn to pick up on subtle hints.

9:34: Casey looks angelic.

9:35: Oh Casey.  You're so sweet and innocent.

9:36: Casey, what are you doing?  Nobody likes a tattle.  That's not FMC behaviour.

9:39: I look forward to seeing if Casey still feels the same way about CTM on "After the Final Rose" after watching the show and seeing how CTM acts.

9:42: Casey just dropped an F-bomb.  I can't believe she knows how to swear.

9:44: CTM has an evil laugh.  It's close to a cackle, but not quite there.

9:45: CTM is Casey's best friend in the house.  I look forward to seeing CTM as one of Casey's bridesmaids at our wedding.

9:50: Casey just did the head tilt when listening to Ben talk.  I also do the head tilt when listening to people talk.  Swoon.

9:51: It's Episode #4.  Who the hell is Jamie?  I swear she just crashed the show Shawntel-style because I have no idea who she is.

9:52: FMC Casey lives to fight another day, yet again!

9:54: From the amount of snow on the roof of Monica's limo, we can tell that the limo has been waiting there a while.  From the unmelted snow on the back windshield, we know that they just recently started the engine in the limo.  These are the things I notice.

9:56: In response to finding out they're going to Puerto Rico, everyone screams except for CTM who says, "I was just there two months ago."  Then they raise their glasses, and as they go to commercial, you can hear CTM mutter, "I can do it higher than anyone."  CTM is the ultimate one-upper.

10:00: Awesome clip of Blakely stomping to end the show.  These are the skills that differentiate a VIP cocktail waitress from a regular cocktail waitress.

10:01: And on that note, another excellent week comes to an end.  I look forward to seeing CTM's blurcled booty next week.

I courageously wrote this blog post

I was watching the Golden Globes last weekend - the only awards show I try to watch because booze is flowing and it's a lot more casual, plus we don't get stuck with awards that nobody really cares about like "Best Sound Editing" - and I noticed an emerging theme.

Actors and directors kept on thanking people for their 'bravery" and "courage".

Now, I totally respect what actors do, and I would never be able to do it.  You can tell me about their "stunning transformation" into character.  Commend them for their "mesmerizing portrayal" in a biography.  Compliment their ability to "embody the heart and spirit of the film".  But please, don't tell me they're brave and courageous.  You're not going to war.  And playing a soldier doesn't count.

But it got even more absurd as the night went on, leading to this Tweet that summarizes everything I would ever want to say on this topic:

Hollywood, stop it with the "courage" and "bravery".  Just stop it.

Bachelor Episode #3: Live Running Diary

From the Chantastic couch, it's time for more craziness in Episode #3.  I'm excited to see one of the bachelorettes pass out tonight since I've never actually seen someone faint before.  Does that make me a bad person?

6:58: During my weekly e-mail exchange with G-Unit, he passed on a really good observation from his wife: Courtney The Model (CTM) might just be on drugs.  She acts crazy, says things that no sane person would ever say ("How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"), and is a model - all associated with taking drugs.  According to G-Unit and his wife, be on the lookout for CTM's glazed eyes.  An interesting theory.  I like it.

7:45: If Casey is limited to random camera shots at the rose ceremony tonight, I'm flying to Sonoma and lighting Ben's vineyard on fire.  The FMC needs more airtime!

8:01: One minute in, and Kacie talks about possibly living in San Francisco.  Get a hold of yourself, woman!

8:03: Three minutes in, and Ben's first mention of CTM's job as a model.  Also, Ben tells his sister that he would get along with CTM.  I bet he's going to regret saying that before the season is over.

8:06: Big focus on Casey thus far.  And by big focus, I mean that they've already shown her on camera for about five seconds, which is equal to all of her airtime from last week.  Great camera work to zoom in on her right as Chris Harrison says that not everyone gets a date every week.  The production staff is bringing their A-game tonight.

8:11: Emily doesn't know how to run, as evidenced by her run to start the second segment.  I can't even call it a run, it was so pathetic.  It was a horrible attempt to move quickly.

8:15: How come we haven't even heard Casey speak in a confessional interview?  I'm starting to get upset.

8:17: I appreciate Ben's effort to make out with every single girl whenever the opportunity presents itself.

8:24: Casey!  Casey!  Casey!  I swooned when she spoke.

8:27: Ben and Emily are making out like it's Grade 10.

8:29: I would be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the upcoming bikini segment.

8:33: "There are some big personalities on today's date."  Camera cut to Blakely.  Yes.  Big...personalities.

8:34: Honda's not a sponsor.  No, not at all.

8:35: Bowchickawowow.

8:38: Neil Lane is also not a sponsor.  Not at all.

8:40: I don't hold it against Brittney that she might not be into Ben.  I hold it against Brittney that we're now going to waste ten minutes of airtime on her trying to figure out if she's into Ben.

8:45: Office pool idea for next week - guess the number of girls that Ben will make out with.

8:46: Mark my words, Kacie's overeager "I'm a little too into Ben" attitude will make an appearance before all is said and done.

8:48: Brittney, I'm pretty sure this isn't the most difficult decision you've ever made in your life.

8:49: Nice matching luggage though, Brittney.  That's a loud shade of purple.

8:51: When Ben gave the rose to Rachel, did you notice that Monica was crying?  Tears streaming down her face, the whole deal.  I feel like we're owed an explanation.  Chris Harrison, what say you?

8:52: I would like to personally thank Brittney for making a quick move on leaving.  None of that drawn out Bentley nonsense from The Bachelorette.

8:56: Why did we not get to see any of this important conversation on TV?  I take back the good thing I said about the production staff.  That's just poor editing.

8:58: Ice cream!  I miss my bucket of vanilla ice cream while I watch the show.  The sacrifices that I make for you people.

9:00: Lindzi is the first girl this season to give credit to Ben for setting up an amazing date as if the producers had nothing to do with it.  She will not be the last.

9:05: The password at the door was cheesy.  The bookcase that led to a secret room was super cool.

9:06: Text message.  Wow.  That literally happened on Chuck, another favorite show of mine.  Except that show is a dramedy.  I can't believe someone actually did that in real life.

9:09: I take back what I've thought since I was a little kid.  There is a reason to learn the piano.  And that's to impress women on dates in contrived situations on a reality dating show.

9:11: For the record, I was the only Asian kid I knew who wasn't forced to learn some type of musical instrument when I was a kid.  Why these Asian moms were so keen on their kids learning an instrument, I'll never know.  Those kids sure as hell aren't professional musicians, that's for sure.  That's why Betty's the best.  If something doesn't make sense, she doesn't do it, even if everyone else does.

9:18: Shawntel!  America's favorite mortician whose parents don't know how to spell is back!

9:19: I just realized that my comment from 8:56 was meant for Casey, but it was actually Samantha in that picture.  I think it's a sign that Samantha is approaching FMC territory.

9:20: Was that exchange a sign that CTM has a social disorder...or just more proof that she's on drugs?

9:21: Casey, you're so sweet thinking that CTM is misunderstood.  That's why you're FMC material.  Too bad you're totally wrong.

9:25: This is amazing television.

9:26: It's for moments like this that I watch this ridiculous show.

9:30: Someone please make fun of Shawntel's name!  The claws are already out.  Someone just needs to tell her that her parents don't know how to spell.

9:31: I love how Samantha and CTM are literally lurking ten feet away from Shawntel's conversation.

9:32: I also love how Shawntel's basis for coming here is a conversation or two that they've had together.

9:34: I love even more how the other girls are saying "You don't even know Ben!"  Um, none of you knew Ben either when you first started on the show.

9:35: Erika's comments ("She's uglier in person and has thicker thighs in person") were amazing.

9:37: "Shawntel comes in on her high hearse..." Two seconds after a funny pun, Nicki breaks down in tears.  I'm confused as to how it's possible to come up with a great pun like that, and then start crying a moment later.

9:39: I'd bet just about anything that Overeager Kacie is the girl who faints next segment.  You know why?  Because she's fragile, she's overeager, and she's a little too into Ben.

9:42: CTM claims she has a hard time trusting Ben.  Maybe it should be the other way around.

9:43: I don't like how the cameras zoomed in on Casey right when Chris Harrison said that three girls were going home.

9:44: CTM calls Shawntel "Whatsherbutt".  Awesome.

9:45: Casey lives to fight another day yet again!

9:46: Did you notice that Emily did another poor attempt at a run when bringing the pillow for Erika?  Girl needs to learn how to at least not look like a klutz.

9:49: I take it back, Kacie.  Your overeagerness isn't making an appearance...yet.

9:50: I love how Jaclyn is still on the verge of tears.  What amount of time has passed in real life since Erika passed out?  Ten minutes?  Fifteen minutes?

9:51: Ben dubbed over part of his speech!  When they cut away from him, the audio totally changed.

9:52: The melodramatic music is really the icing on this delicious reality TV cake.

9:54: Do you know that we just witnessed history?  Shawntel is the first girl to have been rejected twice on The Bachelor!

9:57: Next week, the show is going to Park City, Utah.  For some reason, the girls start screaming excitedly.  I'd never even heard of Park City until just now.  I'm convinced that the girls could be told that they're going to the fourth stage of hell, and they'd still react with shrieks and screams.

9:59: The lip tattoo finally makes an appearance during the ending credits.  I'm glad that Erika won't be forever known as the girl who fainted.  She'll be known as the girl with the lip tattoo who fainted.

10:00: I'm worried that the girl sent home next week is Casey.  She wasn't seen in any of the other preview clips from next week.

10:01: That was a fulfilling episode.

10:04: There's no way that next week will top this week.  But let's not pretend like we won't be watching...

Bachelor Episode #2: Live Running Diary

I have very few rules in life, but one of them is this: If one of my friends' dads is requesting to read the Chantastic Blog because of his love of The Bachelor, then I must continue doing what I'm doing (shout out to Mr. Sturies).  As a result, I will be doing a weekly live up-to-the-minute running diary of the show as it happens for the rest of the season.  If you have Internet access while you watch the show, it will be like I'm watching the show with you on your couch, except I won't ask you to grab me a snack from the kitchen during commercial breaks.  All you have to do is refresh the blog during the show.  The only catch is that I will be watching it on the East coast feed starting at 8 PM EST, so for all my peeps back in Edmonton and other places who watch a later feed, the running diary will already be finished when you watch.

6:27: I just realized that doing the weekly running diary means that I won't be able to partake in my favorite activity while watching The Bachelor: eating vanilla ice cream straight from the tub.  If I watch The Bachelor, I have to do it the right way.  Embrace your inner chick and just make yourself the stereotype of the show's viewers.  Alas, it seems my trusty ice cream spoon will have to remain in the drawer every Monday.

7:00: After exchanging my weekly e-mails with G-Unit, I need to discuss Courtney The Model (or CTM as she will be known for the rest of the season).  I'm just going to throw this out there: CTM isn't as good looking as she thinks she is.  Now, don't get me wrong, CTM isn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination and I certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed, but nobody is going to confuse her with Marisa Miller.  She's just a run-of-the-mill good looking girl, an 8/10 that you might see at the grocery store...who just happens to be a model.  And since she's a model, she suddenly becomes better looking in people's eyes (including Ben's) because her job has validated her as being good looking.  CTM had two conversations with Ben last week....and somehow the topic of her being a model was brought up both times.  This is not a coincidence.  Every time she mentions that she's a model, what she's really saying is "I've been objectively identified as good looking, and therefore you should believe that I'm good looking."

It's like when People Magazine names their annual Sexiest ChMan Alive.  As soon as the celebrity is named, there's a lot of discussion about how good looking that guy is.  The thing is that whichever celebrity was named looks exactly the same as he did the day before he was named Sexiest ChMan Alive, but since the guy was identified as handsome by the media, his attractiveness increases.  In other words, "If he's been chosen as the Sexiest Man Alive, then he must be sexy."

This is exactly what CTM is doing every time she mentions that she's a model, and she knows it.  Every time she says something about modelling, just know that she's implicitly saying this: "Don't forget that people think I'm beautiful, so you must be attracted to me too!"

I'm onto CTM's plan and I bet that we haven't heard the last of her modelling career.

8:02: I'm pretty sure that CTM would never move to Sonoma.

8:05: "This could be the first date with the man I hope to marry."  Really, Kacie?  You've met this guy for one night with 24 other women, and you already hope to marry him?  Jumping the gun a bit, aren't we?

8:09: Kacie is way too excited about twirling a stick.

8:10: I don't understand why Ben is implying it should be embarrassing to twirl a baton in public.  You're not dressing up in a pink leotard and dancing around like a ballerina.  You're twirling a stick.

8:12: New drinking game: Drink every time Ben mentions his dad or his parents.

8:18: Ben is going to tear up in 3...2...1...

8:19: C'mon, who didn't see him tearing up coming?

8:25: Is this The Bachelor or a two hour tourism ad for Sonoma?

8:26: I really hope that Blakely brought a leash for those puppies.

8:28: Nicki bringing the sprinkler!

8:36: I'm going through FMC Casey withdrawal.

8:38: I enjoy that Monica was trying to play up her part in a kid's play.  Really?  You're getting competitive about how important your role as the dragon was?

8:40: New drinking game: drink every time someone says "Sonoma".

8:50: "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"  Wow.

8:52: Joining Monica and Jenna from last week in the battle for craziest girl on the show this season are CTM and Blakely.

8:57: Blakely just quoted her Zodiac sign.  I don't even know what to do with that.

8:58: Between makeout sessions on The Bachelor, does Ben take a mouthwash break?

9:01: Blakely is druuuuuuuunk.

9:03: Wait, I might be confusing drunkeness with craziness.  Blakely might be a combination of both.

9:05: I love that Ben gave Blakely the rose even though we all know there's not a chance in hell that she's going to make it to the finale.  Do you really think that Ben's family is going to have good things to say about her?

9:06: Ben just said CTM is beautiful and then cited her being a model as proof.  I feel that everything I wrote above has been just proven true.

9:07: I enjoy how feisty Samantha is.

9:10: Ben can't stop bringing up the fact that CTM is a model.  It's like he wants to reinforce that she's a model, and thus she is attractive.

9:13: I've said it once, I'll say it again.  I'm not sure that I'd classify CTM as "drop dead gorgeous".  I think there are girls on the show who are easily better looking than her.  That one-on-one date was not flattering to her in the least.  Am I missing something here?

9:17: I was surprised that CTM's vocabulary included "cathartic".  Quite impressive, actually.

9:21: Isn't it interesting that the crazy girls from these first two episodes (CTM, Blakely, Monica, and to a lesser extent, Jenna) spend all their time in the confessional interviews talking about the other girls and how there's no competition, while all the other girls just talk about Ben?

9:25: Finally, Casey with some camera time!  It was two seconds, but I'll take what I can get with the FMC.

9:29: For someone who claims to be here for Ben and doesn't care what the other girls think, Blakely sure seems to talk about the other girls a lot.

9:30: I love that Samantha referred to Blakely as Jugs.  Samantha and her feistiness are on the verge of becoming a FMC.

9:35: Someone just called Blakely a "Stage 5 Clinger".  That's a phrase from Jersey Shore!

9:37: Jenna Jenna Jenna...

9:40: Note that Blakely is in the luggage room.  Note that each girl has multiple bags.  Remember this when someone is sent home unceremoniously, either during a 1-on-1 or 2-on-1 date.  The producers will send someone to fetch that girl's bags from the house.  Note that there will only be one bag for the guy to get so that it looks much more dramatic on TV.  These are the things I notice.

9:42: "I understand why the girls are acting that way around Blakely.  I get it."  Translation: I just realized I made a terrible mistake by giving her the rose.  I didn't realize she was a Stage 5 Clinger.

9:47: I love the melodramatic fog in the background of the rose ceremony.  There's no way that's not a fog machine.

9:48: "Sonoma" was definitely the drinking game this week.

9:50: Jenna is on the verge of becoming the first person ever to cry during the rose ceremony before all the roses have been handed out.

9:51: Casey S!  FMC lives to fight another day!

9:54: Somehow, Jenna is shocked.  I'm not sure why she's shocked or what she's shocked about.

9:56: The trailer for next week looks ridiculous.  Ridiculously GOOD.

10:01: This show never disappoints unless it's Ashley on The Bachelorette.  I look forward to more melodrama and tears next week.  See you all then!

The Official Chantastic Vacation Schedule

Here's the hard copy of the itinerary that my travelling secretary mom kept for me during my trip.  She ran me ragged in Hong Kong.

A packed vacation schedule

Interestingly, Betty kept two schedules.  One on her iPod Touch, and this hard copy.  When asked why the hard copy was necessary, she said that it was for my not-so-technologically-advanced dad.

Bachelor Season Premiere: Live Running Diary

I'm so excited for The Bachelor season premiere that I'm doing a live running diary as I watch the show.  This page will be updated as the show unfolds over the premiere's two hours.

6:50: I'm excited to have Chris Harrison back in my life.  I'm not so sure I'm as excited to have Winemaker Ben back in my life.  He wasn't exactly Mr. Charismatic when he was on The Bachelorette.

6:54: Just went over my Bachelor preview to see who I had chosen as FMCs.  Unlike previous seasons, it turns out I only chose one FMC - Casey S.  I guess I'm not quite ready to channel my inner Brigham Young just yet.

7:50: Slowly realizing that I'm still jetlagged from my flight home yesterday.  It's a little like being drunk.  I wonder if I'll also be wearing the equivalent of beer goggles as I watch the show.  If I keep on saying everyone looks hot, you'll know what happened.

7:55: Re-reading my own Bachelor preview since it's been three weeks since I wrote it.  I'm masterblogging.

8:00: "Last season on The Bachelorette..."  Here we go!

8:01: I stand by my assertion that Ben's rejected proposal reaction was the best one I've ever seen.  "Shut up, I don't want to hear it" is essentially what he was saying.

8:06: The production staff on The Bachelor is really good at making voice-over music montage videos that straddles the fine line between cheesy and heart warming.  That three minute background on Ben was well done.

8:08: Mariah Carey doing a Jenny Craig commercial.  It's somehow both mortifying and a turn-on to watch at the same time.

8:11: Kacie's cute accent is winning me over.

8:13: Jamie became a FMC in the two minutes it took to air her promo video.

8:17: Shawn's son Gavin put a really good swing on the ball during her segment, but he shouldn't be swinging at those high pitches.  As a baseball guy, I feel you should know these things.

8:24: Nobody can ever convince me that Ben is going to be a better Bachelor than Ames would have been.

8:25: Chris Harrison is the best at doing the knowing nod in interviews.

8:28: Chris Harrison lied!  He said he that they had brought 25 women from across the country to meet him.  Lies!  Amber is from Canada.  I did my Bachelor homework.  You can't get anything past me, Chris.

8:33: Erika, that was a horrible line about being guilty.  You would have been better off showing him your lip tattoo.

8:33: Amber just gave Wendy's Baconator some free advertising.

8:34: Jenna.  Is.  Awkward.

8:36: I'm convinced that Courtney saying that she was a model just naturally makes her hotter.

8:37: I.  Love.  Casey.  FMC for sure.

8:38: Well, it's clear that some girls have decided to unleash their guns tonight.

8:42: Grandma in the hizzie!

8:48: I appreciated the porn star music entrance for Anna.

8:57: Grandma is 72 but commented on Ben, "If I was 30 years younger..."  That means either a) Grandma thinks she would have shot at Ben if she was 42, or b) Grandma didn't want to date herself so tried to make herself seem younger by saying 30 instead of 45.

8:58: Ben is bringing the funny.  He's shown more personality tonight than all of last season.

9:00: Nicki said "I'm ready to open my...life to Ben."  I swear she was going to say "legs".

9:02: Lindzi doesn't look like she's only 27.

9:05: Earliest limo tears in the history of The Bachelor franchise.  1 hour and 5 minutes into the season, Grandma starts the waterworks.  We just witnessed history!

9:10: I'm so tired right now that I almost tried to take a nap during this commercial break.  The only thing stopping me is the thought of seeing Casey again.

9:12: Emily breaking out her inner Eminem.  Why did Ben give her the stiff palm clap afterwards?

9:14: If you're not counting, Courtney has now mentioned that she's a model twice.  She's talked to him twice.

9:17: Monica....is a psycho.

9:18: Who's more psycho, Monica or Jenna?

9:24: Monica in the interview room: "Jenna is crazy."  Followed by a crazy cackle.  I still don't know who's crazier.

9:25: I would have never guessed I was going to hear the word "douche" tonight.

9:27: Both Jenna and Monica are acting like they're drunk.  Jenna can't put a coherent sentence together, and Monica is saying she wants to start a fight.

9:40: Casey S. gets a rose.  Ben has good taste in women.

9:42: Courtney The Model received a rose.  What a shocker.

9:43: Jenna gets a rose!  Everyone is shocked.  All the girls are shocked.  I'm shocked.  I bet even Ben is shocked.  The only person who isn't shocked is Chris Harrison.  Because Chris Harrison is a pro, and nothing fazes him.

9:45: Lyndsie the wacky, crazy Brit can't understand why she wasn't given a rose.

9:50: Is anyone shocked that Courtney The Model is going to be the villain this season?

9:56: I think that skinnydipping clip might be the most X-rated footage ever seen on The Bachelor.

10:00: Great start to the season.  I was worried about Ben being boring, but he seems to have a personality this season.  Now if you'll excuse me, I must go pass out.