Monday, March 10, 2014

The Bachelor 2014 Season Finale Live Running Diary

You didn't seriously think I would go a whole season without a live running diary of The Bachelor, did you?  Especially during the season when seemingly all the bachelorettes have turned on the bachelor, ironically leaving Andi and Sharleen to defend Juan Pablo during The Women Tell All.  This season has been an unpredictable gong show of a season that has been a borderline train wreck to watch.  I mean, this happened:

In other words, I've enjoyed it immensely besides the fact that they sent the FMC home a few episodes in and she didn't even speak on The Women Tell All.  It boggles my mind that the most attractive bachelorette did not get any airtime at any point during the season.  It's like they think the target audience for the show isn't straight single guys or something.  In any case, Christy, call me!

12:01 AM: Only 20 hours to go, and with my new PVR in hand, I might even try uploading screenshots during commercial breaks.

12:20 AM: For the record, I don't think anything would truly shock me in the finale.  He could pull a Womack and I wouldn't be surprised.  He could propose to Clare, get turned down, and then propose to Nikki like it was his plan all along, and I'm not sure if I would be that surprised.  It's been that sort of season.

4:50 PM: To get ready for tonight, you need to watch this video.  Lucy is my favorite free spirit.  Also, did you notice that she mentioned how good looking Christy is?

5:10 PM: Chris Harrison, Hype Machine.

5:12 PM: In case you didn't notice in the video, Lucy is naked.  Hands up if you didn't notice that at first glance, because I sure didn't.  When you sing a song naked and nobody notices that you're naked, that's when you know you did a good job.

7:39 PM: I just asked Juan Pablo whether he was excited about the finale.  His response?  "Eees OK."

7:41 PM: How many knowing head nods during sit down interviews will Chris Harrison give out tonight?  I'm guessing at least 10.

7:47 PM: Tonight's drinking game: Drink every time someone says "Camilla" or refers to Juan Pablo's daughter.  Also, have someone ready to take you to the hospital.

8:00: Here we go!


8:03: Juan Pablo has a surprise.  Color me intrigued.

8:04: Chris Harrison with a rather intriguing intro.  Definitely haven't seen him say that to kick off a finale in the past 5 years.

8:05: DRINK!

8:06: Juan Pablo enjoys wearing bright colored clothes.  First the neon yellow shirt for his argument/send-off with Clare.  Now red shorts that I'm pretty sure we've seen earlier this season.  ABC, let's get this man some neon green socks!

8:07: DRINK!

8:08: I can see the headline now: "Multiple People Hospitalized By Bachelor Drinking Game".

8:09: There is a lot of picture-in-picture action.  The producers have turned the narrative from being about Juan Pablo to the reaction of the audience.  Interesting choice.  Maybe that's how they're trying to save the season.  "We agree Juan Pablo isn't a good Bachelor, let's show you other people who agree with you."

8:10: Never a good sign that a live studio audience is laughing at you during a serious conversation.

8:12: You cannot 1000% believe in something.  I'm going out on a limb by saying Clare was not a math major.

8:13: #beggingforit

8:19: Someone's going to have explain all this love for Nikki to me.  I don't get it.

8:22: This also needs explaining.  What is Juan Pablo's dad doing with his shoes?  Why isn't he wearing them?  Does he have stinky feet?  Why didn't he just go barefoot for his chat with Clare?

8:24: "I think she's honest enough to manage a relationship with my son."  Juan Pablo's dad with the most caveat-ed "cover my ass in case Juan Pablo actually chooses her" endorsement of Nikki ever.  I think it's pretty obvious that Juan Pablo's dad is on Team Clare.

8:27: The different approaches to questions by Juan Pablo's family to Nikki and Clare is intriguing.

8:30: Did Chris Harrison just subtly hint at the possibility of a double proposal, or is that just me?!

8:33: Is it just me, or are Chris Harrison and the producers going out of their way to make sure there's a strange vibe with the show?

8:38: Is it weird for One-Armed Sarah to be on the same set as Sean?  I would have loved to watch that awkward conversation.

8:44: Well, that's an ominous intro, Chris Harrison.

8:45: Whatever happens tonight, I think we can all agree that St. Lucia is the real winner.  That place looks amazing.


8:49: But he's just being honest...

8:51: Well, I think it's safe to say that things have taken a weird twist.  How much would you pay to know what he said?  I think I'd give $50.

8:53: OK, that's a lie.  $100.

8:54: Wait, does that mean they did make some magic happen in the ocean?

8:56: Ah, more fantasy suite fallout.  What happens in the fantasy suite most definitely does not stay in the fantasy suite.

8:57: See, I told you he was just being honest...

8:59: $200.

9:00: Wait a second.  Could we end up with both Clare and Nikki choosing to go home as the "most controversial finale"?

9:07: Juan Pablo just pulled a rabbit out of his hat.  I don't even know how he did that.

9:13: The Sharleen look of disapproval is just the best.

9:17: I feel like I'm consistently surprised that Nikki's skinny legs can support her body.

9:25: After The Final Rose is going to be tremendous.

9:30: I'm impressed by Nikki's penwomanship.

9:32: Why is Nikki so sad?  Does she think she's not getting chosen?

9:34: Good cut to studio audience silence by the producers.  As always, the producers know how to set things up for great dramatic effect.

9:39: General Bachelor finale rules: the woman that shows up first gets sent home so the second woman gets optimal sunset lighting.

9:40: Where is the sit down interview with Chris Harrison?!  Where's the forced conversation with Neil Lane?  It can't be a good sign that neither of those things have happened.

9:42: Why did they wait so long to pan up to Clare getting off the boat?  We already knew it was her because they showed the color of her dress when she was getting ready.

9:44: Totally forgot that Clare was the fake pregnant woman from the first night.

9:45: OH, SHE KNOWS.

9:47: Oh, she is not done.

9:51: Clare, thanks for saving me $200.

9:53: I re-watched it 3 times.  Clare definitely says "Don't tell me you love f***ing me."  I wonder how Nikki feels about that...

10:03: Oh, so now the studio audience is on Team Clare.

10:07: Don't think it's a coincidence that Clare is wearing black tonight.

10:12: You go, girl.  You go.

10:13: What a total gong show.

10:15: A whole lot of people sitting on their hands when Juan Pablo came out.

10:20: Juan Pablo, I don't even...

10:27: Does Vegas accept bets on failed relationships?

10:32: What, there's no surprise?  This is very disappointing.

10:34: Sean is not impressed.

10:35: Sean is getting fireworks tonight after his little speech.  Whether or not they're quick is another matter...

10:37: Nikki looks awkward.

10:38: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nikki.  This was a fairytale?!?!

10:40: I've never seen Chris Harrison leave his seat during After The Final Rose.  He must be going backstage to ask the producers, "What the hell do we do now?  There's no freakin' surprise from Juan Pablo!  We're missing an entire segment!"

10:43: Apparently Chris Harrison is going to fill in the empty segment with his stand-up routine.

10:45: Sean 1, Juan Pablo's Delusion 0.

10:48: #goodonya

10:49: It's safe to say that Nikki could not wait for the interview to end.

10:50: #ChrisHarrisonExasperated

10:55: I enjoy Mocking Chris Harrison.

10:56: That's a very sparkly dress.

10:57: I still kinda wish that Sharleen was The Bachelorette.

11:09: Fittingly, Chris Harrison will have the final say on Juan Pablo.  The Bachelor was so crazy this season that Chris Harrison couldn't do anything but slap the table in laughter at the absurdity of the whole thing when it came to a merciful end.
11:12: See you all in May!

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

2014 Bachelor Preview: The Bachelorette Bios

The Bachelor is back!  I couldn't be more excited.  As usual, we can't go into the show completely blind about this season's bachelorettes, so I skimmed their show bios to get a better idea of who these reality show divas in the making ladies are.  It looks like ABC also agrees, as they are launching a two night premiere on Sunday and Monday that will give more background information on the bachelorettes.  Sadly, I am unable to do live blogs this season as a result of obligations to hockey on Monday and Tuesdays, but rest assured that I will be watching the show along with the rest of you.

I'm also changing up the format of the preview this season - instead of monotonously going through the bachelorettes alphabetically, I've grouped them together based on their bios.  Let's get to it!

(Side note: I have read/listened to Grantland's Right Reasons Podcast and Reality TV Fantasy League that both similarly preview The Bachelor.  Both are entertaining and recommended for Bachelor fans.  I will do my best to avoid the same points in this preview, but there are some that I just cannot avoid.  You will see what I mean.)

Possible Drama Queens/Poop Disturbers

These bachelorettes are the lifeblood of the show.  Without them, the show would be utterly unwatchable.  Tierra from Sean's season, Courtney from Ben's season, and Vienna from Jake's season are classic examples.  Note that two of the women have been the bachelor's final choice, which just goes to show that standing out in any way is better than not standing out at all.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
3 best attributes: I'm loyal, I love my family, I'm feisty
Greatest achievement: Becoming an attorney
Favorite Televisions Show: Scandal
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? That's tough - either getting a murderer convicted in 8 minutes or climbing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

My fearless prediction: Andi is going to be known as "the attorney" for the first three episodes.  I have a feeling she's going to be the no-nonsense, no-filter, nobody-likes-her bachelorette this season.  In other words, I look forward to Andi being a part of my life this season.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 25
Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mom and Dad for loving 11 of us kids with 9 of them being mentally handicapped.  They have hearts of gold and so have so much patience.

You cannot be 25 and a nursing home owner unless you won the lottery, your parents are the actual owners of the nursing home, or your parents gave you money to buy a nursing home.  And usually the type of people who decide to (ie. can afford to) have 11 kids are either rich or Mormons.  I'm going with rich.  And rich people generally make for good TV.

Lauren H

Notable lines from bio
What are your 3 worst attributes? I can be too candid with my feelings, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut if I know I'm right, and I have a hard time getting to everything I plan to do -- not because I'm lazy, but because I think I'm Superwoman and commit to too much.

Translation: I have no filter, I like to argue, and people think I'm flaky.  We've struck reality TV gold!


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Free spirit
Who do you admire most in the world and why? I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin, my mother for her patience with me, and Steve Jobs for always believing in himself.
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious? I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be and why? Why would I ever want to be anyone but myself?

There's so much to discuss here that I'm going to mostly ignore that she put down "free spirit" as her occupation.  Seriously, who does that?
I like that a) she casually name drops Kate Upton as her best friend, and b) that she admires her thick skin.  If I played word association with 100 people regarding Kate Upton, and each of those people had to give me 100 answers, I'm pretty sure "thick skin" would not appear once.  And not only does she like to name drop her famous friends, but she likes being the center of attention and has a very high opinion of herself.  I feel we will hear more from Lucy in the coming months.


Notable lines from bio
What is your greatest achievement to date? I would have to say that my independence is my greatest achievement.
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? I really want to meet someone I could spend my life with. I know this isn't the most traditional way of doing this, but I think that the kind of love I am searching for isn't something that's easy to find, so I am open to all options.

I like someone who is willing to call out the inherent absurdity of the The Bachelor's premise.  Victoria seems to have a more level-headed approach to the show, which might clash with the bachelorettes who have their heads in the clouds.

Not here for the right reasons

Every season, there are bachelorettes that come on the show for fame instead of love, which will inevitably lead to a discussion about which women are there for the "right reasons". 

Amy L

Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Local News Reporter
Favorite Author: Dr. Seuss 
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious? Depends on the situation. I've always held jobs that require me to be up front. Once in a while it's nice to sit back.

Let me get this straight.  Amy L's profession is local news reporter - which is something you must choose to do since you don't just accidentally become an on-air personality - yet she might not like being the center of attention?  Really?  Is she such a good reporter that her obvious talent gave her no choice but to become a reporter?  OMMYGOD, THE NEXT BARBARA WALTERS IS ON THE BACHELOR THIS SEASON.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 21
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Height: 5'10"

Let's not kid ourselves.  A 5'10" former NBA dancer is likely to be very attractive, and Cassandra is definitely that.  However, the Right Reasons podcast also discovered that she is the baby momma of Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons.  If you do the math, she was basically knocked up the first year she was an NBA dancer by one of the players.  And now she's on a reality TV dating show.  I wish I could bet on things like "Cassandra will end up on one of those Real Housewives shows in 15 years".

You might be legitimately crazy

Very few fall under this category and sometimes nobody falls under this category, but when they do, it is epic television.  Nothing this person does surprises you by the time they leave.  Tierra was a rare two category bachelorette last season since she was also clearly crazy.  Tierra was the Bo Jackson of The Bachelorette.


Notable lines from bio
Who do you admire most in the world? I admire the nobodies of the world that lead selfless lives.  The ones you don't hear gloating about their accomplishments.
What is the best trip you have ever been on? I have never taken a vacation. I've always worked my buns off and never made time.  Plus, I was never in a relationship that I could go on a vacation with.
Do you consider yourself a romantic? I've never been one to be romantic.  It's hard for me because I've never experienced romance.  I wish I was.

A lot of cryptic and plain bizarre answers here.  Plenty of crazy potential.

The World of Sunshine, Rainbows, and Lollipops

These bachelorettes live in a world where everything is great, optimism abounds, and they likely own a copy of The Secret.  Think Catherine from Sean's season.


Notable lines from bio
Which city is most romantic? New York is romantic to me. So many Broadway plays, fine restaurants, the beautiful city skyline, Central Park. It's all lovely.
Favorite Book: Bible
Top 3 things on bucket list: 2. I want to do missionary work. I'd love to be able to travel the world and educate other cultures about the Catholic faith as well as help improve their physical lives. 

This category was created for bachelorettes like Alexis.  While she is rather attractive, there's a little too much religion in her profile for her to be an FMC.  Also, I don't objectify women like that anymore.

Amy J

Notable lines from bio
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? I hope to find love! And if He decides I'm not the girl for him, I hope to gain friendships, peace through time away, a greater understanding of people and love and the beautiful world around me.

Note the capitalization of "He".  At first I thought she meant Juan Pablo, but since it's capitalized, she is clearly referring to God.  Regardless, Amy J is clearly in the same world as Alexis.  Everything is lovely and beautiful.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 27
Longest relationship: 8 years
What is your all-time favorite book? The Secret.  I thought I was positive before but this book taught me I can't have whatever it is I want in life.

I swear that I wrote the intros to each section before I read Elise's bio.  Pure coincidence that she actually cited The Secret.  For that alone, she falls in this category.
There is some sleeper crazy potential here.  If you do the math, she's rebounding off of a long term relationship with either a high school or college sweetheart.  That exponentially increases the odds of crazy on a show like The Bachelor.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Dog Lover.
What is your favorite book? Eat, Pray, Love. inspiring.

I'm sorry, I think you confused the "Occupation" section with "Favorite Animal".

Time to check my e-mails and Twitter

Let's face it - not all the women on this show will be entertaining.


Notable lines from bio
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring and why? A piano -- I LOVE to play, would keep me occupied forever.

I want to know what happens when sand or rain gets into the piano the very first day on the desert island.  Will she LOVE to play when the piano is out of tune and warped?


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Favorite Author: Dr. Seuss
Favorite Sports: Football, baseball, basketball
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring and why? My soulmate, a machine that turns salt water into drinking water, and an unlimited amount of flint. All I would love, water, and the ability to make fire to cook.

To three different questions, Ashley gave non-answers.
1) Dr Seuss cannot be your favorite author, and I don't care if you are a teacher and Dr. Seuss is part of your job.
2) When someone asks for your favorite sports, you can't just name the three most favorite sports in the US.  It's like someone asking which political party you support and answering with "Democrats and Republicans".
3) She is literally making up things that do not currently exist for her desert island answer.  First, she has not met her soulmate since she is on The Bachelor.  Second, a contraption that turns salt water into drinking water is possible...if you have $4.1 billion handy.  Lastly, asking for an unlimited amount of anything defeats the entire purpose of this question, which is to ask for a limited number (ie. 3) of items to bring.
Fun game to play: Ashley is of ____ ethnicity/ethnicities.


Notable lines from bio
Top 3 All-Time Movies: John Q, The Notebook, Home Alone 2

There is nothing interesting or notable about Chantel or her bio except that she is one of the token minorities that ABC has put on the show, and thus has a shot to stick around until the third week.


Notable lines from bio
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly
Time it takes to get ready for a big date: As much time as I am given plus a few extra minutes

Christine expects a guy to be patient enough to play a full game of Monopoly with her and also put up with her dressing up antics.  Good luck with that.


Notable lines from bio
Who is your favorite artist and why? I love Andy Warhol - very modern approach - not necessarily having a favorite artist but enjoy drifferent styles from graffiti to abstract.

I'm pretty sure that Juan Pablo will not have a strong opinion on the modern approach to art.


Notable lines from bio
Height: 5' 8.5"

Just say you're 5' 8" or lie and say you're 5' 9".  Literally nobody else cares about that extra half inch other than you.


Notable lines from bio
City or country person? American by birth, Southern by the grace of God!  Country all the way.
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done? Flying out here by myself! I'd never flown!

Maggie will be briefly entertaining as a fish-out-of-water comedic sideshow for an episode or two.  No way Juan Pablo is going to end up with someone so 'country'.


Notable lines from bio
Hometown: Martha's Vineyard

I wonder what it's like to live in Martha's Vineyard year round.


Notable lines from bio
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?  Probably Tough Mudder, with the freezing water you have to plunge into and the electric shock field you have to run through.

Valerie seems entirely too normal and plain to make any sort of impact on the show unless there's a date that involves electric shock fields.

Possible Future Mrs. Chans

The FMC is a staple of every Bachelor season.  Every year, a bachelorette catches my eye and is given the distinguished title of FMC for the season.  Previous FMCs include Lesley from Sean's season, Casey from Ben's season (you may recall her limo ugly-cry that season), Ashley S from Brad's second season, and the original FMC, Tenley from Jake's season.  And no, I most certainly do not have a "type", I don't know what you're talking about, and let's just move on.


Notable lines from bio
Time it takes to get ready for a big night: 1 hr and 20 min
What are your three best attributes? Loyal, Street Smart, Always thinking of others before myself 
Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? I would like the man to pursue me - I feel more secure in the relationship if he is chasing me.

The hour and 20 minute preparation time are a warning sign, but it's a very exact number, so at least she's precise and knows exactly what she needs.  Otherwise a definite FMC candidate this season.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 29
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Favorite Sports Team: University of Iowa Football Team
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I backpacked through the east coast of Australia for 4 weeks - by myself!
Who is your favorite author? Malcolm Gladwell - his books are great reads and very insightful.

A sleeper FMC candidate for this season.  I like that she seems kinda spunky, has very specific tastes in sports teams, will do something on her own, and reads an author that makes her think.

A shot at love and an Us Weekly breakup cover story

The bachelorettes that look like they have a chance at winning, yet do not fall into any of the categories above.


Notable lines from bio
What do you like to do for fun in your hometown and why?  Hiking, bonfires, outdoor activities. I live in a very small town in the middle of the woods. It's just how I grew up so when I go back I do those things. Always with family :)
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?  Oh yes. Love is a top priority for me. Always has been and always will be. And I can't understand when people don't feel the same haha.

Given that she ended written answers with a smiley face and "haha", I'm assuming she's going to be the fun girl that laughs a lot on the show.


Notable lines from bio
Preferred type of dancing: Is drunk dancing a type?
Do you consider yourself neat, messy, or in between? I'd say I'm pretty messy. NOT dirty though -- there's a difference. Messy people leave clothes on their bedroom floor... dirty people leave pizza boxes.
What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done? Probably this.

I think Nikki could go far this season due to her refreshing honesty.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

A Canadian opera singer?  That's interesting.  I don't think I have a choice but to cheer for her, right?

And lastly...Lauren S

Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Music composer
What's the most romantic present you've ever received and why? This is going to sound weird but my ex got me a vegetable chopper and a really awesome knife because he knew how much i loved to cook veggies/stir-fry. It was just so thoughtful and right on -- so I find it very romantic.
What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Anything fun/athletic. I love games or any opportunity to be goofy and have fun.
What is your greatest achievement to date? My piano music. I'm working on a 5th and 6th piano album. Also, I started my own business, which is still up and running successfully.
What is your most embarrassing moment? I farted in front of my 4th grade class in the middle of show and tell -- and I blamed it on another kid! Still feel terrible about it to this day.

Lauren S is amazing.  Even though she is not a traditional FMC, she could work her way in if she lives up to her bio.  I am on Team Lauren S.  Juan Pablo should just skip the formality of this show and give her the final rose when he meets her the first night.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Use my e-mail address, lose your account

I signed up for Instagram yesterday, but had trouble setting up my account.  Turns out someone decided to use my e-mail address to sign up for their account.  Why they would do this, I have no idea.  This meant I had to use a secondary e-mail account to sign up.

I was not happy about this.

But then I realized that with my e-mail address come e-mail rights.  Like resetting someone's password.  And access to their account.

So I asked for a password reset to be sent to my e-mail.  Then I logged into "my" account.  Turns out some guy named "nelito" decided to use my e-mail address.

Well, guess who has a new username, e-mail address, and user profile?

My only regret is that this doesn't seem to be an active account, as this person has not posted any photos and only follows 3 people.  But if the only thing that comes out of this is some dude named Nelito looking at his phone one day and seeing that his Instagram username has changed to "nelitoisandiot", that still pleases me to no end.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

The Bachelorette: No blog this season

Sadly, I will not be able to blog Dez's season of The Bachelorette.  However, I will be back for the next season of The Bachelor to find more FMCs!

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Bachelor: Season Finale

Sure, the season finale's here, but you know what?  So is Chris Harrison's new clothing line.  I know what I want for Christmas...

7:50: But seriously.  Catherine and Lindsay over Dez and Lesley?  Really?

8:01: Excuse me, but I have a tradition to uphold.

We know who you are, Chris Harrison.  You don't need to introduce yourself.

8:02: Oh, live show!  I like when they do the cutaway to the live show during the finale.

8:03: Wait, what's the late breaking news?  ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED ON AFTER THE FINAL ROSE?!  Because that would trump every season ever.

8:04: Oh yes.  Smith may be five years old, but he just went there.  Respect.

8:05: Just throwing this out there - Smith and Kensington are names given to kids by rich people.

8:07: Girl playing football.  Respect.

8:09: Is "reciprocate" the random word of the season?  First Dez's brother, now Catherine.

8:10: Sean's mom just called Catherine a "lady".  Only rich people do that.

8:12: Sean's dad just unintentionally brought up Catherine's daddy issues.  I'm not gonna lie, it got kinda dusty in the Chantastic living room during that scene.

8:14: Sean said that he could see him and Catherine on a Saturday afternoon having lunch with the rest of his family as a group of six.  Let's count the (potential) family members: Sean, Catherine, Sean's sister, Sean's brother-in-law, Sean's mom, and Sean's dad.  What about Kensington and Smith, Sean?  You do realize that children outgrow the kiddie table, right?

8:20: Tough questions from Sean's dad.

8:22: Jay is awesome.

8:25: Lindsay needs to play the "My dad is a 2 star general" card.  That's her edge over Catherine. She needs to play it.

8:34: Sean into protective mode as soon as his mom began tearing up.  Away from the cameras they go.

9:07: No comments for the two dates because there's really nothing to say when it's the final two.

9:12: When Catherine is serious, she looks away from Sean when she is talking because she's nervous.

9:16: Catherine is doing a lot of emoting.

9:23: I was wondering when Shirtless Sean was going to show up.

9:26: Sean tears!

9:33: Crowd sentiment has flipped from Lindsay to Catherine.

9:34: I could totally multiply with Lesley...

9:43: Uh-oh.

9:44: This is not going to go well.

9:46: This is going much better than I thought.  I thought there were going to be more tears.

9:47: Don't drop the L-bomb, Sean.  That's unnecessary.

9:48: Ah, there it is.

9:49: I like that Lindsay took off her heels.  No need to impress this dude any more, get me out of here in the most efficient way possible.

9:50: Tears in the limo?

9:51: Tears in the limo.

9:52: Wait, it's not even a limo.  Poor Lindsay.

9:53: Chris Harrison, mailman.

9:54: The crowd is with me on the heels!

9:55: They just asked for a round of applause for Lindsay.  Is she not going to be on After The Final Rose?  Does that mean they're going to spend an hour talking to Sean and Catherine?  No way they have enough material to talk through that, unless Catherine sent him a breakup letter that creates a ton of drama and they spend the first half hour of ATFR sorting through that.

10:02: I'm so about this moment right now.  I'm such a sap.

10:05: Someone in Seattle is very upset that she just lost her best friend.

10:08: Best Chris Harrison comment ever: "The best part of this is that I don't have to see you naked ever again."

10:09: Whoa, super hottie in the audience.

10:17: I don't think this Lindsay interview is going to be that bad.  She's too cheery for it to be AshLee levels of uncomfortable.

10:25: See?  Not that bad.

10:30: My guess on the big late breaking news about their relationship: she's moving to Dallas.

10:32: Do the picture-in-picture of them watching the proposal back already.

10:34: "I'm a woman, I want to hear the man say it first."  Is that an actual thing?

10:47: I'm all in for this wedding, especially if Chris Harrison is marrying them.

10:56: Dez has new hair.

11:00: I'm going to miss this show.

Monday, March 04, 2013

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All

An hour ago, I was still at work blasting out e-mails to various executives.  Half an hour ago, I was running to grab my pickup order.  But now, I'm here.  I have priorities.

Another sign I'm ready to be a professional reality TV blogger: the reality TV czar, Dave Jacoby, wrote a recap of the last epsiode where he made the same points I made last week - AshLee's love of turning everything she does with Sean into a metaphor about her life, Sean's questionable kissing technique, and literally using the "serial killer" phrase like I did to describe AshLee's face after Sean sent her home.

8:01: So excited for this episode.

8:02: If you'll excuse me, I have a tradition to uphold:
We know who you are, Chris Harrison.  There's no need to introduce yourself.

8:03: Love the shout-out to Shirtless Sean.

8:04: The average age of those three girls who first met Sean was...not even close to legal.

8:07: UCLA sorority house calling for Sean to turn into Shirtless Sean was pretty awesome.

8:12: FMC Lesley looks amazing tonight.

8:20: Tierra-ist coming up!

8:25: What the hell was with the 3 seconds of behind-the-scenes action before Tierra came out?

8:26: You're never going to believe this, but the women are not a fan of Tierra.

8:27: Tierra's eyebrow just started twitching!  Is it her tell when she lies?

8:31: Um, Tierra, how about commenting on AshLee being 32 years old and single and that whole spiel?!?!?!  Did you mean that as a compliment?

8:40: "Do you want to get going?  Cuz we get going?"  Has Tierra forgotten that you do not want to unleash the fury of AshLee upon the world?  Do you not remember her Serial Killer face after Sean sent her home?

8:44: St. Croix is getting a ton of free publicity.

8:46: Tierra is not a good human being.  Straight up.

8:56: The best part of The Women Tell All is when they do the picture-in-picture when running the video montage to get the person's reaction.

9:08: Dez's brother.  Oh boy.  This should be interesting.

9:18: At least Chris Harrison has enough of a sense of humour to poke fun at how he always says the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

9:21: "Sean has healed my broken heart."  But did Sean also break AshLee's healed heart?

9:23: "Where you pissed?"
"You looked pissed."
Chris Harrison is the best.

9:29: Chris Harrison takes control of the situation and fixes the AshLee/Sean seating arrangement.  That's why he's the best.  How does he not have an Emmy?

9:35: Can we call this the most fascinating The Women Tell All in Bachelor franchise history?  That AshLee/Sean conversation was mesmerizing.

9:40: Lovin' the behind the scenes shot.  I knew there was a reason they started doing that.

9:45: When Chris Harrison wrapped up the segment and wished Sean the best, did anyone else feel like clapping along with the audience?  No?  Um, me neither.

9:52: OK, but seriously, how are Catherine and the wedding dress girl the final two?

10:00: My finally take on the AshLee situation - Sean did not say that and AshLee misinterpreted what she said.  Let's face it - AshLee isn't all there.  She likely "chose to hear what she wanted to hear" and twisted a few of Sean's words.  Don't forget - in every interview since about the fourth episode, Sean has been saying that he has strong feelings for numerous women.  Why would he suddenly say anything else?  Unless it was to get some crazy AshLee action.  Hmmm...

10:37: Actual messages I'm getting from someone, who will remain anonymous because of how horrendous the following statements are: "Wouldn't mind seeing Tierra's boobs.  The crazier she got, the more I wanted her to bust them out."  This person should be ashamed.  Tierra is completely unattractive solely because of her personality/character.  She's like an androgynous, horrible person to me.  In the infamous words of Selma, "You're going to wife that?"

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Bachelor: Episode #9

I'm so excited for the fantasy suites tonight that I'm doing a live running blog, and then adding pictures after the fact.  Check back in a couple of days to see the blog with more commentary and pictures.  It's disturbing how much I love this show.

By the way, three weeks until the end of the season and we still don't know who the next Bachelorette is going to be.  Does that mean they're not doing a Bachelorette season this year?  Or waiting until the fall to launch it?  This is upsetting.  I need more Chris Harrison in my life.

7:53: Very intrigued by tonight, especially given the news about Sean being a born-again virgin with fantasy suites on the horizon tonight.

7:59: Here we go!

8:02: Sean is wearing some bright shorts.
My shorts must match the colour of the roses I hand out.

8:04: My main takeaway from the Catherine recap is that Sean is a dork looking for a dork.

8:06: Is it even possible to put together a recap of AshLee's relationship with Sean without a shot of her crying?
Shockingly, AshLee shed tears while talking about her issues.
8:08: Who else was excited to see the shot of Lindsay in a wedding dress again?
It's really something that the girl who showed up in a wedding dress is still here.

8:09: Who had 9 minutes in the "How long into the episode until they show Sean shirtless?" pool?

8:16: Neon birds!
I'm sure PETA would have something to say about this.
8:19: "I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart."  Well, Lindsay is only 24, so it's not that much of a stretch.

8:21: Monkeys!  Monkeys!!!  MONKEYS!!!
Lindsay was rockin' that bikini.
8:32: I wish I could bet on things like "Lindsay will accept the fantasy suite".

8:34: It was cute how Lindsay was so nervous before telling Sean she loved him.

8:36: Sean keeps on saying that he is not just looking for a wife, he is looking for his best friend.  Somewhere in Dallas, his current best friend is very upset.

8:43: AshLee with the quote of the episode: "I don't do caves."

8:46: Why does AshLee need to turn everything she does with Sean into a freakin' metaphor about her insecurities?  We get it, you have issues.
It's not just a cave.  It represents my life.
8:51: How much do you want to bet that AshLee turns the issue of the fantasy suite into a metaphor?

9:01: Has anyone else noticed that Sean's kissing technique doesn't look...ideal?
I'm gonna say that this might be too much tongue.
9:16: It's amazing how many different ways they can mention sex in the fantasy suite via metaphor.

9:19: "I never thought a boy like him would like a girl like me."  Really?  "Boy"?  Are you twelve, Catherine?

9:26: Chris Harrison sit-down interview time.  This is always good.

9:27: You can totally read between the lines - Sean is sending AshLee home.

9:38: Sean is giving the "I know I'm about to destroy this girl's world" face during AshLee's video.

9:45: Lindsay!  Did she just randomly swear for no reason before Sean even handed out a rose?
Yep, she sure did.

9:46: Cue the AshLee tears in 3...2....1...


9:48: AshLee suddenly looks like a psychotic serial killer.

9:49: AshLee, the queen of metaphors, decides to go with one more.  I'm a strong, independent woman.  I do not need you to open this door for me.  I can open it myself.

9:50: I think it's safe to say that AshLee's emotional walls are back up.
Walls back up?  Confirmed.
9:54: Having seen the harshness of AshLee's exit, my new theory about the letter he receives in the finale is that it is from AshLee and she just rips him apart and tells him that he ruined her life.

9:59: The Women Tell All is going to be epic.  Think of all the storylines: Dez, her brother, and how Sean made the biggest mistake of his life.  Lesley and what could have been if she had just dropped the L-bomb.  AshLee's exit.  Sarah and her one-armedness.  Tierra.  It's going to be amazing.

Late breaking news: They're announcing The Bachelorette on the season finale of The Bachelor.  I really really really hope it's Lesley or Dez.